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Behold The West Indies' Cricket Answer To Ross O'Carroll Kelly

Behold The West Indies' Cricket Answer To Ross O'Carroll Kelly
By Gavin Cooney

A couple of months ago, Chris Gayle staked his claim for being the most chauvinistic man in cricket, when he asked out Australian TV presenter Mel McLaughlin live on television. As it transpires, Gayle is a model of equality and respect compared to his teammate Tino Best, who has serialised an extract of his autobiography in the Daily Mail that is a reference to the Leinster Schools' Cup away from being written by Ross O'Carroll Kelly.

The entire extract is simply Best's own tribute to his rampant and prolific sex life, which is unsurprising from a man whose name is a combination of Tino Asprilla and George Best. To give you an idea as to the contents, Best writes that the West Indies Squad 'used to have competitions of who could shag the most girls on tour'.

I think my record, on an eleven-week tour to Australia in 2005, was more than forty. I was twenty four and I didn't play a Test on that tour. The coach, Bennett King, didn't fancy me one bit. He must have been the only one who didn't!

The book is entitled Mind The Windows: My Story. The extract in full can be read on the Mail website here. Best uses his own experience to map out a 'Dummies Guide To Being A Terribly Sexist, Disrespectful And Chauvanistic Lothario', and we have summarised some of his advice below.

Absurd Self-Confidence

Best describes himself as "the best-looking bald-headed guy in the world". *Cue the raising of eyebrows*:

This confidence means that he believes he treats women equally, writing that "If I liked a girl, I'd go and talk to them – whoever it was. If I'd seen Beyonce and she was single, I'd have gone and introduced myself: 'Hello, my name's Tino. What's yours?' No girl intimidated me". This is of course totally misconstrued, this is not a man whose confidence makes him immune to the trappings of fame, but a man so inherently sexist that he degrades all women with equal fervour.


Be honest 

Best believes that he should be up-front and honest with all women at all times, although many would believe this is implicit in a civilised society. Here is his rationale for being a decent, honest guy:

My mum said she didn't mind me having lots of girls – if I was careful. And there's one thing I never did – I'd never lie to a girl. I'd always tell them straight: I don't want a relationship and all I'm interested in is having fun. No relationship, no stress. It was one bit of advice Floyd always used to tell me. You don't have to tell girls lies. Just be honest.

Truly heroic. This allows him, in his own words, to "go on five or six dates a week, all with different girls".


Be efficient with your chauvinism

Best is keen to point out that, despite the fact he is a "man whore", he never allowed this to get in the way of playing cricket and representing his country:

There was no-one who trained harder than me for Barbados or the West Indies. If I bring two girls back and have sex with them, I'll still be out there first in the morning working hard. I was smart about it and didn't get into any trouble. I respected that I played for my country and did everything I could – but I liked enjoying myself too.

Fair play to you Tino. Respect playing cricket for your country, but don't bother respecting your country's female population.


Mask your disrespect for women in a personal hard-luck story

Best once had love with a woman called Melissa, but it broke up, and Best writes that "if Melissa had taken me back, I'd have been much cooler and things would have been different but it wasn't to be". No, it wasn't.

Respect other chauvinists

There was a news story that came out in September 2015 when Chris Gayle went on Instagram to post about his strip club. He put up a picture and wrote, 'From the pool to the strip club...if u don't have a strip club at home, U ain't a cricket 'Player' .. I always make sure my guest well entertained and feel like they are at home #LifeIsForLiving #DreamBig.'

Now, Chris is good fun but he doesn't indulge in too much bad stuff. He's a good man, Chris. 

We aren't too sure if Chris is a good man. But birds of a feather and all that.

[Daily Mail]

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