We've heard them all before.
Everybody has that mate who, when playing a game of FIFA, will blame absolutely anything and everything for the result apart from themselves.
Whether the controller isn't working, or the console of choice isn't ideal, to the virtual players downright ignoring their instructions, these are the FIFA excuses we hear to justify the defeat.
"You Only Score Crosses/Rat Goals!"
Thats right, you only win because you can only score from crosses, or even better, for squaring the pass for a tap in. Forget the fact that your opponent clearly can't defend the cross, or that you constantly find yourself clean through with a team-mate against just his goalie, no, this is due to your sneaky ways and it's your fault, not his.
"I'm not used to Playstation/Xbox."
Oh yes, because they are so vastly different. If you sat down and agreed to play the game, you knew full well what you were getting in to. We now live in an age where there are two very good, very popular companies who make games consoles that dominate living rooms across the world, so you are expected to be able to cope with the differences between Playstation and Xbox controllers.But no, this is a problem that nobody could have forseen and the match should be nullified.
"You've messed around with the settings!"
You evil genius. Knowing that your mate was coming over to play FIFA, you went in and changed the camera, lowered the difficulty level so the keepers are crap, and you even messed with the sliders to make shots more accurate. At least you must have, thats the only logical way this game could be going the way it is.
"You only win because you just play FIFA all day."
Of course, you can't get upset with your mate here because this is the only human interaction you will get all week, because you do nothing but sit inside and play FIFA all day long. Forget the fact that you just got home from college/work/school and have spent time with this person outside of your house, you clearly have nothing else going on in your life.
"The f***ing rain!"
You didn't go into 'Match Settings' before the game and make it a clear day because you know you can't win unless it's a jammy 1-0 win in the rain. The rain in FIFA makes even the most basic task seem impossible, so naturally it will be the only reason you won that game, and not the 17 shots on target.
"This controller is banjaxed!"
Does the triangle button sometimes stick when it's pressed? We're you just eating a kebab or pizza and jumped immediately into a match? Yeah, now you have the perfect excuse to blame for your loss. How can you be expected to perform at optimum levels with a controller that doesn't work, regardless of how minimal it effects you or the fact that you yourself broke it.
"Your players are on steroids!"
Maybe you enabled the cheat code for performance enhancing drugs? Maybe that doesn't exist. Maybe you went in and edited all of your players' stats to 99? Maybe you can't do that anymore. Maybe you're just the better player? No, that's definitely not it.
"He didn't do what I told him to do!"
These virtual players have a mind of their own. I specifically pressed pass, but David Luiz thought it would be a better idea to keep running and lost the ball and now I'm 4-0 down. This isn't my fault, it's an outrage.
In fairness, this is easily the most valid excuse in FIFA history, because the game does serve up a lot of bullshit. Still, ridiculous penalty decisions, keepers going batshit insane, defenders falling over each other, this is part and parcel of the overall package, so get used to it. Like all mediocre managers say, "these things even themselves out over a season".
"I wasn't even trying."
Of course you weren't. I've just hammered you 5-1 and you celebrated your only goal like Pippo Inzaghi, but you were barely paying attention. Come off it. This excuse is the worst of them all. When you pick up that controller you act like you have just been given the Al Pacino speech from Any Given Sunday and you give everything you have for the win, otherwise whats the point?