Football

20 Five-A-Side Football Stereotypes

20 Five-A-Side Football Stereotypes

20 cliches from 'The Fly-Keeper' to 'The Guy Who Always Wears Trackies'.

During a five-a-side game of football, be it indoors, out on an astro, or just in your local park, there are some stereotypes that just never change.

1. The Hacker

There's always one angry lad more interested in tackling and being needlessly, overly physical than playing football.

eduardo

image: dailymail

2. The Guy Who Doesn't Pass

One guy thinks he can take on the whole opposing team on his own every time, even when there are plenty of passing options available.

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robben

image: rapgenius

3. The 'Crap' Guy

As much as we don't like to admit it, somebody involved is always going to be the weak link and can't be trusted with the ball at their feet for too long, or without the ball for that matter.

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4. The Guy Who Never Wants To Be In Goal

Even though your side has employed a strict rotation policy, which sees your team changed 'keeper after every goal, there is always one guy who somehow manages to get away with it.

5. The Guy Who Always Wears A Retro Shirt

Playing a game of 5-a-side is a perfect opportunity to display your hipster credentials and show your football nous by wearing a retro football shirt. The more obscure or iconic the better, such as a Hellas Verona '85 shirt or the Peru 1978 sash.

footballramble

image: thefootballramble

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6. The Guy Who Is Way Better Than Everyone Else

Every game seems to feature one guy who seems to be a level above, who was also rumoured to have had trials at Millwall in the past and might have gone pro if not for that troublesome knee.

7. The Gaelic Football Player

There's always a guy who likes nothing more than to just bull-toe the ball away and basically stick it in row z, or if indoors then against the ceiling.

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8. The Odd Man Out

Having 11 players can just ruin everything. It can lead to six-on-five, one team having a rolling sub, or even worse, both teams using the same rolling sub. Not to mention, it leaves one impatient person sitting on the sidelines.

messi

image: yahoo

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9. The Ringer

One way around having uneven numbers is by acquiring a ringer from the sidelines.

10. The 'Sorry' Guy

Having one absolutely awful player involved is a pretty common occurrence, but at least sometimes they have the decency to apologise for missing an opportunity, misplacing a pace or miscontrolling the ball with a simple "sorry" or raise of the hand.

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11. Mr. Accessory

Whatever happened to trainers being sufficient enough? Nowadays somebody will turn up with astro specific trainers and John Terry style shin pads.

fed

image: tennisfortuna

12. The Looks Can Be Deceiving Guy

He may look like a good footballer, and you will probably even pick him first, but you will soon be disappointed.

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nani

image: zimbio

13. The Player-Manager

Somebody always fancies themselves as master tactician and probably read Inverting the Pyramid a few years ago. His designated role within the 5-a-side is usually as the self-appointed trequartista.

crjuff

image: myfootballfacts

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14. The Fly 'keeper Who Runs The Pitch

Your team may be adopting the fly keeper system, but that doesn't necessarily mean your goalkeeper is allowed run the pitch at every opportunity.

15. The Free-Kick Guy

In a self-policed world, one guy has to always overdo it by calling a foul on himself whenever he feels the slightest physical contact. He spends more of the game gesticulating and claiming free-kicks rather than just getting on with it.

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robbie

image: zimbio

16. The Girl

You may scoff at the sight of a girl among your group, but will most likely be surprised once the game begins. This however, is a more likely occurrence on a South American beach than on the playing fields of Ireland.

rr

image: toutestpossible

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17. The Guy Who Only Shoots

Much like the man who never passes, there's always somebody who tends to shoot on sight, from any angle, no matter who he has in support.

ronaldo

image: cwforums

18. The Guy Who Kicks The Ball Way Past The Goal

And generally the guy who always shoots serves as the guy who kicks the ball as hard as they can, and as a result the majority of the game is spent retrieving the ball from behind the goal, especially when people in your local park.

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19. The Guy Who Always Wears Trackies

It may be the height of summer but there's always one who doesn't want to unleash those pasty, chicken legs.

kiraly

image: tz-online

20. The Hatcher

5-a-side football is all about teamwork, but nonetheless one guy will get lazy and hang around the opposition's goal in the hope of 'hatching' a few goals.

Eugene Fogarty
Article written by
Professional pint puller, backpacker extraordinaire and cynical football snob.

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