It is well and truly FIFA season around these parts. Arguably the happiest time of the year is when the brand new FIFA 15 is all sparkles and rainbows because we haven't played it enough to secretly hate it yet.
And as so many people, and their mates, have rushed out to buy the new FIFA 15, it pours a big can of petrol on the fires of FIFA grudge matches that were down to the embers at the end of FIFA 14's life cycle.
Everybody who plays FIFA has their own styles and mannerisms, most can't control them, but everyone knows which one they are. So we are putting it to you, which one do you resemble most? Here are the eight most common types of FIFA players.
The Aggressive One
This isn't a game, it's a war. Every misplaced pass is met with a torrent of abuse, missed chances result in immediate substitutions, and goalkeeping mistakes result in smashed controllers. These are the people who go red in the face when things aren't going their way, to the delight of those around them, and are regularly found making one of the many FIFA excuses we love to hear. While always a danger due to flying accessoires, the rage-monsters of the FIFA community are without doubt the most entertaining. "I'll buy you a new controller, alright?"
The least likely person to be invited back for the next FIFA session is the over-celebrator. You know the type, the lad who is so happy to finally be in the lead that he jumps out of his chair after scoring a tap-in, and then insists on watching all of the replays, mainly because he needs to cool down after many vigorous fist-pumps. The worst over-celebrators add their own commentary or sound effects to their replays, and are so delighted with their handy work that they won't even let an inevitable loss bring them down from scoring what they deem to be a "class" goal.
The Tiki Taka Wanker
The main man responsible for ruining a FIFA session is the wannabe Pep Guardiola who cares more about passing accuracy and possession percentage than the result, or enjoyment, of the game. Commonly seen stringing together 10-20 passes along their back four, the Tiki Taka Wanker is also known for providing his own sound effects to needlessly long sequences of passing, and claiming that the complete waste of 15 minutes of your life was for an exhibition of "beautiful football". Utterly delusional, totally insufferable.
The One Trick Pony
A player who cares nothing for morals and will do the only thing they know to be effective to score a goal. Short goal kick, pass to the midfield, out to the winger, get to the byline, CROSS. Every. Single. Time. Or even worse, randomly punting lofted through balls in the general direction of their strikers and hoping for a mistake. The type of person who will turn you into the aggressive one with nothing but repetitive, boring, hit-and-hope crosses into a target man who time and again leaps like a salmon and buries the header with infuriating consistency. Rarely invited back to a session, the mantra of the cross whore is "Don't hate the player, hate the game!". No, I'll just hate you, cheers.
The Total Nutter
The player who thinks slide tackle first, everything else second, the nutter always seems to finish the match with six players on the field. A Devil may care attitude to defending, the nutter doesn't have time for any of that contain bullshit, FIFA is a fast game and it needs even faster actions. Shots from the halfway line, running the pitch with the keeper, trying skill moves that he doesn't know the buttons to, The Nutter won't win many FIFA games, but by God he will enjoy himself. And who's going to tell him to stop?
The Mind-Games Specialist
The lads who are more interested in the wind-up than the game, the mind-games specialists love to think they are inside your head. Constantly seen fuelling the rage of the aggressive one, these budding Mourinhos take great pleasure in using trash talk, sarcasm, and general insults to throw their opponent off their game. It doesn't matter if they don't play well, so long as you don't play well. Don't let them inside your head!
The Emotional Wreck
Easily identifiable by their edge-of-the-seat, elbows on thighs, F1 racing style playing position, the Emotional Wreck is the lad who gives his heart and soul to every game of FIFA he plays. The groan of despair for every misplaced pass, the absolute agony in a missed 1v1, and the Marco Tardelli style passion in celebrating a goal, these guys are the ones who leave a puddle of sweat beneath their controller, so invested are they in the game. Generally unable to play two games in a row due to the exhaustion, these guys are the ones who need a reality check. It's just a game lads.
All of the above
You are a terrible FIFA player and terrible human being.