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9 Things That Sepp Blatter Would Probably Survive And Remain Head Of FIFA

9 Things That Sepp Blatter Would Probably Survive And Remain Head Of FIFA
By Conor Neville
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Following the arrest of no fewer than fourteen FIFA officials in Zurich this morning, many pollyannaish sorts are tentatively expressing the view that Sepp Blatter may not survive this...

We're not convinced. Here are nine other events that Sepp Blatter will likely survive.

1. The eruption of the supervolcano at Yellowstone

Blatter would survive this catastrophic event without too much fuss. Indeed, it would be perfect timing for him given that the worst damage would centre around the US. The FBI would have other concerns.

2. A worldwide nuclear war precipitated by Benjamin Netanyahu's Israel and Hassan Rouhani's Iran

When it finally kicks off between Israel and Iran and the whole world is sucked in (the former will be more to blame too), the resulting nuclear winter will be a matter of supreme indifference for Sepp. He will win another term regardless.

3. An asteroid hit similar to the Crataceos-Tertiary Impact event

The asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs. It is probable that Blatter will be able to emerge unscathed just in time to seek another four year term.

4. His legal advisor having a murderer in his house


Blatter hasn't yet been faced with such a grotesque, unbelievable, bizarre and unprecedented situation but we believe he would likely be able to slip the hangman's noose in any case.

5. A 9.8 Earthquake occurring in his home town of Visp in Switzerland

He'd probably be nowhere near there at the time.


6. Murdering someone 

It will take more than one little killing for Blatter to be shifted from his role as President of FIFA.

7. Having his flunkeys break into the campaign headquarters of his Presidential rival

Nixon was feted for his survival instincts but he isn't in the same league as Sepp.

8. Getting Mrs. Brown to host the World Cup draw

Even if, in a fit of absolute insanity, Blatter attempts to rope in Brendan O'Carroll for 'a bit of comic relief' at the World Cup draw, then the resulting scandal will not bring him down.


9. His own death

At this stage, it looks increasingly likely that Sepp Blatter's own death would be no impediment to him remaining on as President of FIFA.

Read more: The Lifestyle Of FIFA's Corrupt Informer Contains One Unbelievably Hilarious Detail


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