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Achill Rovers Have The Funniest Facebook Page In All Of Irish Sport

Faolan Smyth
By Faolan Smyth
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After yesterdays Greatest Junior Match Report, we have been made aware of Mayo Division 1 team, Achill Rovers, and their Facebook page, Formerly-Achill Rovers.

Over the past two years they have been treating followers to some refreshing and hilarious match reports which reveal the real truth behind their league football exploits. For further reading check out the recent post Sports Ball Marred by Severe Lack Of Soup and The Best Nicknames in Achill – your guaranteed a few laughs

Thanks to The Kriis, whoever you are, for alerting us to their existence. Here's an example of one of their more recent fixtures.



We are the Rovers


1 October 2013 at 15:46

We are the Rovers.

A dressing room stinking of Red Bull ahead of a Rovers match is never ever a good sign. A dressing room stinking of the Red Bull from MacSavers that was going out of date isn’t much better. Chuck in a few Snickers on top and ya can see that the Rovers management and high brass have taken the set up to a whole new level. Nutrition.

On Sunday, the pretenders to the Rovers name (Glenhest) were put to the sword in the winner takes all clash played on a field that resembled something that ya’d need young Andrew Dever’s quad to get around on a good day.

After sidestepping their way through humps and hollows, weaving past the dog shite, Rovers stalwarts packed into the hostile ground close to the sideline to make their presence known amongst the current crop of players. Bondi calling the shots on the line, taking abuse, and well able to give it back, Noel Cooney fulfilling club duties to become cameraman for the day, and Flop squeezed into his skin tight Rovers replica jersey.

All to play for by 2.30pm. All to hold on to by 2.34pm. A long ball, straight out of Tim Howards top drawer from Declan Weir found Gerry Larry legging it down the left wing. Feck knows what happened after but suffice to say the ball either came of Kriiiiiiis, Larry or one of the 2 Glenhest defenders to roll its way past Sock in the Glenhest net. 1-0 The Rovers.

Despite having the better of the play for the majority of the first half few chances were created from play. Set pieces were the only real threat that Glenhest had and in truth were unlucky not to make the most of one or two. Step forward Declan Weir. Cat like. Me-feckin-ow. How the hell he kept one or two of those headers out and away to safety is beyond me. Micky D was like a one man powerhouse bursting through the ball at any given opportunity not unlike the Bear manhandling bucks on a night in the Head. News was filtering through from Currane midway throught the first half about Knock/Kiltimagh taking an early 2-0 advantage over 10 man Mulranny Utd –who had arguably one of their better players Michael Moran spotted hovering around the Glenhest bench, fuelling speculation that the beanpole striker is set to begin a huge clearout away from the Orangemen next Season following back to back relegations......

The rest of the half was low on quality. Tough hard graft and absolutely busting a gut to get to the ball first was the order of the day. Victory by whatever means necessary. The only real bright sparks from the remainder of the half were the tough tackling and the friendship Johnny The Pub struck up with his opposite striker. Admiration for the bellies. And of course the dry interchange between Stephen Weir and the Bear.

Bear: “ Only back for the medal Weir is it?”

S. Weir : “Still more game time than you Bear”.


As the second half progressed the game became more and more stop start, with some curious decisions from the man in purple infuriating both sets of management. The Kris was at the wrong end of a yellow card for something that still hasn’t been established. Young fans of the Rovers had hearts in mouths midway through the second half, as Mr Rovers, KL 07, was clocked with a shoulder to the head that all of league 1 would have been proud off.

Overdue in Sean Scotts eyes. Maybe that’ll shut the cint up.

Not a fear off it.

Before ya could say “Shite hat” he was back on his feet and back on the pitch.

The substitutions who came on made all the difference as the fresh legs gave new impetus to the closing down of the opposition, with Gannon the Cannon only being a whisker away from, glancing a long ball into the roof of the net.

Johnny –Tiote- Kiernan was givin it welly down the left wing despite being kicked up and down the field for the duration of the game and the Player of the Month will have done his claim for a place in the League 1 team of the year no harm whatsoever. A tense final ten saw the opposition resort to bully boy efforts to achieve some sort of result from the game. Whatever it was wasn’t football.

“Absoulte shit” was how Tony Grealis put it. He wasn’t wrong.

A shrill blow of the refs whistle was met with Jubilation from the Yellow and Blue, and the unveiling of a rather crudely drawn “#wearegoinup” underarmour on Josh.

Champagne football? More cheap ALDI piss football than Moet but who gives a toss!

Sheep Show enthusiast Butty Brennan, and jiver extraordinaire Dermot Cooney were just some of the high profile VIP’s that gathered in the winners enclosure in the Bridge Inn post match. No rosettes for sheep in sight just fistfuls of sandwiches that Gerry Larry was ready to go fighting for.

With Bondi fulfilling his role as Club Treasurer astutely with a fine wedge in the wallet keeping the boys suitably liquored up, the Bridge Inn till receipt roll was getting put into overdrive as each drop of Heineken, Bulmers, or Drambuie or whatever else was being drank was being accounted for.

Some avid Liverpool fans stalled in Newport to catch the last 10mins of the match but Tony Gralton had bigger fish to fry. No sooner had he set foot on the bus he had ripped into the box of Bud left behind by one of the aforementioned Liverpool fans. After a brief stopover in at Bernard gan stocai, where Doolan not only met the Wigger for the first time, he nearly caused a car crash and all, no full bottles made it across the bridge.

Some high profile Achill residents were only too eager to get involved in the celebrations as the beaming financial advising DJ/Chairman Sean Molloy began his recruitment drive for the 2014 campaign not to mention the speculation surrounding his potential entry into a political career. Another feather in his cap. Many fingers. Many pies.

John the Tailor, Marty Andy, Tom Molloy, Eamonn Caff, and Hughie tickets were all eager to get into the jersey. It’s well stretched for poor aul Terry D now anyways who point blank refused to let Joey have a go in it!


Fair play to Eamonn Caff for dusting down the 1992 St. Vincents Tiddlywinks Tag Team Championship trophy that himself and Colm won for 5 years on the trot. Not to mention that blasht of brandy and baileys he laced it with. Tip of the hat sir. A stop off to Lourdies set the evening nicely up to myther the surfer dudes with football related nonsense that they had no interest in.

Pure Magic.

Less said the better.

When all those outside could here is “We all dream off a team of Philip Lineens”, drowning out the warblings of Mundy –the sunshine supporter- you know its been a good day.

In all fairness credit where its due to Glenhest they did make a valiant attempt to get Skiddy, Rat & Sock onto the Rovers nickname list with the repeated shouting of their respective names alas like their team their efforts have fallen short.

Theres still a couple of cup games to go, but the business end of things is taken care off. Prioritize. Fair play Giggsy, Fair play Jablonski. Everyone whos involved in any way. Lotto, Quiz, Trainers, Sponsors, Buses, Jerseys, Trackys, Committee, Managers, Supporters, The Valley Dog. Its been a long time coming. Keep her lit.

Bring on Premier Division Football.

Bring on Partry

Bring on them aul bucks from Urlaur

Bring on Round Tower

Bring on Deano Connolly.

Have a Snickers Lynchy youre such a diva when you’re hungry

We are the Rovers

#Wearegoingup #BlueandYellow #PureMagic

And let Michael Scanlon not think we didn’t notice he took off with all the gearbags the shnake. There was €3.90 in the sidepocket of mine and a half eaten pack of Rolos. They better still be there!

Over and Out



Hat Tip to The Kriiiiiis




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