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The Balls.ie Alternative Player Ratings From This Weekend's Premier League Action

The Balls.ie Alternative Player Ratings From This Weekend's Premier League Action
By Sean Meehan Updated

Yes, we have a long weekend worth of Premier League action to go through, with Wolves and Manchester United facing off on Monday night. But if we have to face up to the travails of the week on a Monday morning, then we should be allowed to reflect on the weekend that was.

Thus, we have introduced our literal player ratings, because sometimes numbers don't do performances justice.


Adrian has made 126 Premier League appearances, which is far more than any of us here at Balls.ie have. His performance against Southampton left an awful lot to be desired. For one, just look at his heatmap:

Playing for a manager that preaches hard work and harrying whilst out of possession, Adrian will find himself out of the Liverpool side if he doesn't get his arse into gear. Also, for a player spending that much time in the box, he had no shots on goal.

Rating - Fox's biscuit in the box


Sergio Aguero and Pep Guardiola's Tiff

After being taken off for Gabriel Jesus in Manchester City's 2-2 draw with Tottenham Hotspur, Sergio Aguero and Pep Guardiola exchanged some choice words. The words in question were probably in Spanish. In the knowledge that Pep Guardiola has worn Stone Island on the sideline for several matches during his tenure at City, we can only ascertain that Sergio Aguero is a madman. If this management lark doesn't work out for Guardiola, his fashion sense could lead him right to the Blazing Squad (no, not that Blazin Squad).


Rating - See you at the Crossroads


Sergio Aguero and Pep Guardiola make up

Blu Cantrell, the sage of the early 2000s, once said:

All we do is make up, then break up. Why don't we wake up and see? When love hurts, it won't work. Maybe we need some time alone, we need to let it breathe.
Well, Aguero and Guardiola spent some time alone in the aftermath of their disagreement. Then, when Aguero's replacement Jesus scored what everyone thought would be the winner, Aguero and Guardiola embraced one another. It was a beautiful moment, if only the goal counted and the hug was a true reconciliatory moment.
Rating - Sean Paul feature verse



John Lundstram

Sheffield United midfielder John Lundstram scored the only goal of the game as the Blades defeated Crystal Palace 1-0. However, the midfielder's surname sounds like a late-20th century home entertainment system, one which didn't quite hit the mark like an Amiga or ColecoVision. Looking forward to playing Brian Deane Soccer Showdown on the Lundstram VII.


Rating - Sega Genesis  


Oliver Langford

The man who was supposed to be the fourth official for Chelsea vs Leicester on Sunday was thrust into the first official role as Graham Scott was stuck in traffic. Now, despite Langford's Premier League debut as referee going off without a hitch, we might as well blame VAR.


Rating - AA Roadwatch


Teemu Pukki

He's cute and Finnish, we get that. But he'll never be Jonatan Johansson, he'll never be Shefki Kuqi, he'll never be Mixu Paatelainen, and he will never, ever have the same amount of sauce as Mikael Forssell. This rating is regardless of how many sweetly struck volleys he scores.


Rating - Half man, half Forssell


Enda Stevens Roulette

This is Drimnagh excellence. Enda Stevens takes James McArthur around the corner to Brickfield Park before spinning Andros Townsend into oblivion. The winger was found in a heap on Eamon Coughlan Roundabout.

Rating - The Marble Arch


Douglas Luiz

Aston Villa midfielder Douglas Luiz went from Villain villain to Villain half-hero as he made-up for a first-half error with an excellent goal. Mind you, they still lost 1-2. The Brazilian was signed for around £15m from Manchester City, with half of the transfer fee paid for by the strike, and the other half paid for by his lovely hair.

Rating - Peter Mark 


Javier Hernandez

Javier, you're 31 now, grow up and stop getting people to call you 'Chicharito'.

Rating - Frozen peas


Dani Ceballos

He's got lovely feet. There's not much more to say about Ceballos, but boy, that man can dribble a football. When he goes to a swimming pool, the lifeguards let him run around because they know the security his possesses below the ankle.

Rating - 10/10 toes


Mauricio Pochettino

Where's Troy Parrott, Mauricio? We've been waiting for years to have another player burst onto the scene and take English football by storm. There's only so many highlights of Robbie Keane at Wolves and Coventry before you cry out for another. Why is Moussa Sissoko allowed to chase his first touch on the big stage? How long does Troy have to show up the reserves before he gets a chance?

Rating - Injustice


SEE ALSO: Irish Player Ratings: Blades Contingent Dazzles As Scott Hogan Bags A Brace

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