Every week we overreact to the plight of teams populating that league the English call Premier.
Liverpool top this week's crisis table after a 2-0 loss to perennial strugglers Arsenal. They've only got one point after three games, their worst start to a season in fifty years. Even Roy Hodgson wasn't this bad.
The transfer window closed and Premier League big-man extraordinaire Andy Carroll was allowed to leave without a replacement being signed. This means Liverpool are bereft of the subtly of a lumping-it-to-Andy-Carroll plan B, the perfect foil for Brendan Rodger's tiki-taka wannabe style. FSG failed to stump up the cash to sign Clint Dempsey, the answer to all their goal scoring and American marketability problems. With only two recognised strikers at the club until January and best goalkeeper in the world circa 2008 Pepe Reina suffering his third rare mistake of the season, those glory day DVD's will be seeing a lot of action from now on.
Spurs stay second in the crisis table following an all action transfer window in which they signed Moussa Dembele, the central midfielder everyone realised was brilliant last week, French captain and goalkeeper Hugo Lloris, who must be good if he's the French captain, right? and Clint Dempsey, who didn't really want to go to Liverpool and is absolutely delighted to be at White Hart Lane, his only choice that wasn't Sunderland.
All this fantastic business was negated however by a disastrous 1-1 draw with transfer window nobodies Norwich. Spurs only have two points after three games, edging them ever closer to the two points, eight games nadir of their Premier League existence. Only one man could rescue them then.
Nobody splashes the cash like third placed QPR, apart from Man City, Chelsea, Man Utd, even Arsenal, PSG, Real Madrid, Barcelona, Spurs and Sunderland. Nobody apart from that though. All those signings, could not prevent a 3-1 loss to Man City, to whom they only lost 3-2 on the final day of last season. I'm not sure if this is how football works, but going from a one goal loss to a two goal loss can only mean that the club is in a perilous downward spiral that can only be stopped by signing Kenwyne Jones for 10m in January.
Fourth placed Southampton need Harry Redknapp and they need him fast. Ignore that they've played both Manchester clubs in their first two games and gaze at their precarious position holding up all other nineteen Premier League clubs. Only Harry can save them now, or get them relegated like he did in 2005.
Aston Villa ease slightly down the table after a glorious 1-1 draw with Newcastle. Sub editors everywhere nodded with approval when they signed Christian Benteke. I cannot wait for the first 'Unbelievable BenTEKKERS' headline.
Arsenal slide to sixth with a 2-0 win over crisis club Liverpool. Their misfiring flops finally hit the net after nearly three and a half hours of Premier League action. Although Olivier Giroud is looking more and more like a poor man's Stephane Guivarc'h every week. However, the club failed to do any last minute season saving transfer business that was desperately needed to upgrade hopes of a fourth place finish to outlandish dreams of matching last season''s third place.
Chelsea didn't play a Premier League game this week due to their participation in the waste of time, we-weren't-interested-anyway European Super Cup. They were absolutely decimated by Atletico Madrid as they cut through them like Man City's cheque book through Arsenal's squad. Their dodgy defence and the failure to sign Radamel Falcao at half time in the game however has surely destroyed any hopes of trophies this season.
Fulham rocket up to eight in the table after a 3-0 loss to West Ham. They also lost last week's new Patrick Vieira, Moussa Dembele to Spurs in the transfer window. Signs are ominous for Fulham, a relentless struggle with mid-table mediocrity is surely in their future this season.
Everton's brilliant start to the season came to a crashing halt with a 2-0 loss to West Brom. Champions League qualification is now a pipe dream. Marouanne Fellaini was only playing well to get a move to Champions League team but now that the window has closed, he'll surely return to being 'your man with the hair'.
What about Norwich, Wigan and Reading, eh? Yeah. Moving swiftly on.
Sunderland move ever closer to being crisis free following a 2-2 draw with Champions League qualification possibles Swansea. Steven Fletcher already looks like a bargain at 12m and if he can keep banging in the goals then their inexorable rise to mid-table greatness will surely be a certainty.
In the crisis free section of the table, one man team Man Utd had an inevitable, soul crushing comeback victory over hated rivals Southampton, just ignore the sloppy defending.
West Ham pulled of the coup of the transfer window by signing the Andy Carroll, who in turn propelled them to a 3-0 win over Fulham, mainly due to his gravitational pull on defenders.
Man City's owners finally spent some money on players, preventing them from becoming an Arsenal-esque joke in the transfer market. Well done Roberto Mancini, there is nothing more glorious than victory by sheer weight of numbers.