Irish sport has given us some great moments over the years, Grand Slams, victories over England and Italy, draws against lots of teams.... As too have Irish films, Your man shouting "it's a horse, Tito", Sean Bean being run over the cliff by a herd of stampeding cows, and Christy Brown taking the penalty.
Well, just in time for Christmas, we celebrate the teaming up of Irish sport and Irish film in this phenomenal Irish sports films boxset.
ESCAPE TO MORAL VICTORY
Image: Barry Downes
Cast
Starring: Kevin Sheedy, Tony Cascarino, Chris Morris, Frank Stapleton, Phil Babb and Silverstor Stallone
Synopsis
Several Irish footballers are imprisoned in Wandsworth prison for a crime they didn’t commit (The Birmingham Six are just down the corridor).
In response to some of the jeering, anti-Irish statements of the English prison guards, the boys agree to play the guards in a football match. They hatch a plan to escape while the English fans riot afterwards. However, this plan involves winning, or at least avoiding defeat.
Helped along by an elderly Geordie prisoner who is sympathetic to the Irish lads’ plight, they train as never before and evolve an incredible team spirit while indulging in some dietary habits that would now be frowned upon. They go 1-0 down early on, with the guards benefiting from some highly dubious refereeing decisions.
However, they pin the English guards back in their own box in the second half, harrying them relentlessly, as the handful of continental prisoners in Wandsworth look on thoroughly unimpressed with the quality of the football. Late on, with time running out, they ram home an equaliser which sends the Irish prisoners in Wandsworth into delerium.
The English prisoners, upset at the result and enraged by their manager go nuts at the final whistle. In the chaos the Irish escape out the back of the prison with the help of Liam Neeson and Alan Rickman. They drive back across the border into Ireland…*
*The screenplay was written by an American so not all the geographical details are exactly accurate
Score: Christy Moore
Football choreography: Maurice Setters
Directed by: Jim Sheridan
A Balls Media Production
FOUR DRAWS AND A LOSS: AN ITALIA 90 LOVE STORY
Image: Barry Downes
Cast: Hugh Grant, Andie McDowell, Jack Charlton, Mick Byrne, Silviu Lung
Tagline: “Did Schillachi score? I hadn’t noticed”
Synopsis:
Bumbling thirty-something Dave O’Leary always finds himself at World Cup matches but never playing.
He turns up and watches 90 minutes of football as the lads contentedly grind out 1-1 and 0-0 draws (Comic relief is provided by the 0-0 draw against Egypt). While sitting on the bench he strikes up a rapport with Mick Byrne’s assistant physio Carrie Carneiro. The pair engage in a tense, age old will-they, wont-they as they sit on the bench only half-watching Ireland’s group games.
However, their relationship faces one big obstacle. Carrie is engaged to be married to Romanian goalkeeper Silviu Lung.
They fall out prior to the last 16 game against the Romanians and Carneiro ends up leaving the Irish team squad. However, she turns up in the stadium in Genoa to watch the game. O’Leary sits on the bench glancing at his watch as the game ticks towards its conclusion with the score still unsurprisingly 0-0. However, towards the end of extra-time, the manager “Jack” Big Charlton does the unthinkable and signals for him to get in there.
As the game heads for penalties, O’Leary fixes his eyes at the charmless Lung and decides he’s going to take one. As Dave marches forward to take the decisive penalty he glances up at the Romanian end where he suspects Carrie might be. Carrie, sitting up in that exact spot, now finds she wants Dave to score and her husband-to-be to be beaten.
Both the nation and Carrie held their breath as Dave shoots home. Dave glances up at her just before he is mobbed by his jubilant teammates. Carneiro shows up beside the Irish team dugout for the quarter final match against Italy where O’Leary (happily on the bench again) meets her and the two share a passionate kiss as Ireland exit the tournament…
Featuring Hugh Grant as you’ve never seen him before and Andie McDowell as Carrie Carneiro
Score: Wet Wet Wet
Written and directed by: Richard Curtis
A Balls Media Production
WHERE’S YOUR FUCKIN’ PRIDE AND PREJUDICE?
Balls Media brings you the sensational follow-up to its triumphant openers Escape To Moral Victory and Four Draws and a Loss: An Italia 90 Love Story
Cast: Keira Knightley, Emma Thompson, Kristin Scott Thomas, Helena Bonham Carter, WIll Carling and most of the English rugby team and Ciaran Fitzgerald
Synopsis:
The Bennetts live in wealthy, rural Gloucestershire (not far from Kingsholm Stadium) enjoying financial independence living off the profits of their family’s vast farm.
At a party they are introduced to two wealthy brothers who have recently moved into the area, Rory and Tony Underwood. Elizabeth is taken with Rory and Jane is taken with Tony. However, as bad luck would have it, Rory proposes to Jane, and Tony proposes to Elizabeth. Jane rebuffs Rory and Elizabeth rebuffs Tony and at the end of the night they go their separate ways.
At a party the following week, they meet two wealthy bachelors, Will Carling and Marcus Rose who have just moved into the area. Elizabeth is taken with Will, and Jane is taken with Marcus. However, as bad luck would have it, Will proposes to Jane and Marcus proposes to Elizabeth. Jane rebuffs Will and Elizabeth rebuffs Marcus and at the end of the night they go their separate ways.
The next week there’s another party and they meet two wealthy cousins who have not long ago moved into the area, Lawrence Dallaglio and Sir Clive Woodward. Also at the party, is a wild, mysterious looking man called Ciaran Fitzgerald. Quite why an army officer from Co Galway is at this party in Gloucester is unknown but this only makes him all the more intriguing to the girls.
Jane is taken with Clive and Elizabeth is taken with Lawrence. However, as bad luck would have it, Lawrence proposes to Jane and Sir Clive proposes to Elizabeth. Jane rebuffs Lawrence and Elizabeth rebuffs Sir Clive at the end of the night and they get ready to go their separate ways.
However, Woodward turns out to be a persistent begger and eventually wears down Elizabeth. As she is about to accept his proposal Ciaran Fitzgerald roars out from across from across the room “WHERE’S YOUR FUCKIN’ PRIDE” and Elizabeth is startled into remembering what a drip the Woodward lad is. She runs off with Fitzgerald, marrying him in Ireland and eventually settling down to become a Geography teacher in Garbally College in Ballinasloe.
Authors note
*The writer of this piece has neither read nor seen Pride and Prejudice and this is his impression of what it is like. We apologise for any offence caused.
Screenplay: Emma Thompson
Music: The Bath and Galway Choral Orchestras sing ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’ and ‘The Fields of Athenry
JURASSIC PEARSE PARK
Cast:
Richard Attenborough as Liam Mulvihill, Jeff Goldblum as Glenn Ryan, Sam Neill as Paul Barden, John Goodman as Niall Sheridan.
Synopsis:
Following the announcement of Dublin GAA’s sponsorship deal with AIG and the realisation that running up sand dunes in January is no longer enough to compete in the Championship, Longford GAA hatch a plan to bring in more cash.
Longford man and former Director General of the GAA, Liam Mulvihill, comes up with an ingenious idea to monetise Pearse Park during the lean winter months. Having just seen the 1993 classic, Jurassic Park, for the first time, Mulvihill decides that the stadium could be turned into a dinosaur theme park between the end of the club championship and the start of the league. The park will also benefit Longford as a whole with the county becoming known worldwide as the destination to see these ancient creatures in their natural habitat, between the 45s. The dinosaurs will also be used to fill the terraces during the early games of the Championship.
Longford GAA star and amateur paleontologist, Paul Barden, is brought in as the dinosaur expert and runs the day-to-day operations along with park manager, Glenn Ryan.
At first it goes well, with thousands descending on Longford to see the attraction. The problem of the dinosaurs refusing to show themselves is quickly solved by drawing them out of hiding through the sacrifice of several Junior B footballers.
It all begins to go disastrously wrong when Glenn Ryan realises a flaw in the plan, the county board have refused to pony up the cash required to upgrade the fences surrounding the pitch, despite Ryan lobbying hard for their construction. This leads to him uttering the infamous words, ‘nature will find a way… to break through those waist high fences’. The dinosaurs break loose and ravage Longford town, and in particular Luigi’s fast food restaurant, drawn there by their innate desire for garlic cheese chips in the early hours of the morning.
Barden enlists the help of several Longford inter-county footballers past and present in an attempt to save the town from disaster. This rag-tag group includes Niall Sheridan, who manages to arm-wrestle several Velociraptors to their deaths before eventually succumbing while making one last stand outside Luigi’s. The players realise the creatures can be stopped by lobbing O’Neill’s size five footballs in their mouths, choking them to death. The consumption of copious amounts of garlic cheese chips was also a major contributor in slowing them down.
Having beaten the dinosaurs, Barden is declared a hero and is already a shoe-in for an All-Star. Glenn Ryan is sacked by the county board for lack of foresight in upgrading the fences.
Score: Motorhead/Declan Nerney
Cinematography: Liam O’Neill
Directed by: Paraic Duffy
A Balls Media Production
THE SHINNING
Image: Barry Downes
Starring: Ronnie Whelan's left shin, Mick McCarthy's long throw and George Hamilton's commentator's curse
Taglines: "Here's Ronnie!!" and "Dangerhere!"
Synopsis:
One of the scariest and freakiest filmic experiences of all time that still has the power to shock and surprise even today. A ludicrously long throw in from a ungainly centre-half, a midfielder curls into ball in mid air and catches the ball with his shin. It mysteriously arrows into the corner of the net. No one knows what's going on.
Late on the film settles down. It appears to be reaching a happy ending, when the piercing call "DANGER HERE!!" cuts through the air and disaster strikes...
Screenplay: George Hamilton
Directed by: Tim O'Connor, RTE Head of Sport
A Balls Media Production
Coming soon to Balls Media
My Cultured Left Foot
Deep Impact Sub
With Nicholas Cage starring as Jody Devine
Turner & Gooch
Schemozzle Club
Gone With The WInd In The Second Half
Hoganstand Knows Best
The Silence of the Pat Lams
The Third Man Tackle
Sean Og of the Dead
