Tonight's League of Ireland Premier Division decider between Dundalk FC and Cork City was previewed on the People's Republic of Cork website in a way that's guaranteed to rile the entire population of the County Louth town, while increasing their overall satisfaction at having overcome the Leesiders' challenge by prevailing 2-0 at Oriel Park.
The post, a 'Corkonians Guide to Dundalk', begins by commenting on the towns 'history', claiming that it was
"Founded by the IRA in 1973 as a holiday destination/prison for its members ... within stone throwing and petrol bombing distance of the border of Northern Ireland".
Its explanation of the physical dimensions of County Louth suggests that the whole thing is supposed to be reasonably good-natured. It says:
County Louth is approximately a mile and a half long by 400 yards wide.
It is 1.3 billion times smaller than Cork – for comparison imagine if our county was the size of Turner’s Cross stadium then Dundalk would be the size of a single salt on a single chip from the chip van.
Next up for consideration is the Dundalk accent, which is compared to "speaking through a long and narrow copper pipe partially blocked with wet socks". Like the apocryphal origin of the Spanish lisp, it is apparently affected as "a nod to locals who have been the subject of mild Republican torture –those being interrogated quickly evolved a method of communication using their digestive system with their captors despite having objects placed over or in their mouths."
After an obligatory mention of the proximity of the Sellafield nuclear plant to Dundalk, it goes on to say that laundrettes are for bags of money rather than clothing, while the town's most famous inhabitants are Gerry Adams and Steve Staunton. Of Staunton, it says:
[He] was the worst football manager of all time and presided over Ireland’s embarrassing 5-2 defeat by Cyprus in 2006. Corkonians will be hoping Dundalk are full of his spirit on Friday night when they take on Cork City FC. H’on City!
Tongue in cheek it may well be, but we doubt it will be received as such by fans of the newly-crowned league champions. Drogs fans might enjoy it, mind. Read it in full here.