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Entire Nation 'Starting To Come Down With Something'

Rory McNab
By Rory McNab
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Ahead of tonight's all-important World Cup qualifier against Denmark there are widespread reports coming in from offices throughout the country that a mystery illness is sweeping the nation.

Coughs, sneezes, sniffles have been heard ringing through the nation's offices with increasing frequency as the time to kick-off draws nearer. Many people afflicted with this mystery ailment are reporting that they "Aren't feeling too bad at the moment", but "They'll see how they're feeling in the morning".


To get a sense of what could be causing this sudden mass malaise, we spoke to an employee of Church & Thrush Solicitors of Rathmines, on the strict condition of anonymity, "Well, obviously since it's just myself and Mr. Church working here, I have to plan my symptoms very carefully so that he'll buy me being ill enough so that I can blag a sick day tomorrow, but not so ill at the moment that he'll think I shouldn't be going to the match later."

He outlined his plan of action for how to maintain this delicate balancing act, "I started sniffling heavily around 10am, by 11am I was introducing some chesty coughing into the mix and by the time I'd gotten back from lunch I'd gone full nuclear and have been pretending to be feeling incredibly cold and shivery. I've had to turn up all the radiators and keep my jacket on to keep up the act and I'm sweating my hoop off, but it'll be worth it. I've also stuffed several electric toothbrushes down my jumper so it looks like I'm shivering."

An accountant from Rathdrum outlined how their illness had been progressing throughout the day, "I've been acting like I've got some stomach bug. I have a bag of cans stashed in the cistern of the jacks here and have been heading off to the bogs on the hour every hour, popping my headphones in and listening to 'Put 'em Under Pressure' on repeat and having half a can myself and then pouring the rest in the bog so it sounds like I'm vomiting up a storm. There's no way they'll be expecting me to come in tomorrow after all this."

We contacted a representative from the HSE about how this illness has been spreading through the country. They said "All those people are talking out their arses", which, as far as symptoms go, sounds very serious. If you feel in any way unwell, or are talking out your arse, it is perhaps best to take the day off tomorrow and see a doctor.



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