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Dear Don Hutchinson – Our Fantasy Football Agony Uncle

Don Hutchinson
By Don Hutchinson
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Not just good at scoring goals against England, our Fantasy Football agony uncle Don Hutchinson brings us an advice column every week, where he answers all sorts of queries.

Remember you send your Fantasy Football queries and questions about life in general to [email protected].

A fear of aftershave and of who to make captain

Dear Don,

I'm a coach of an under 8s football team in south county Dublin. A few years ago, as we were togging in after a match, my goalkeeper dropped his aftershave. It shattered as soon as it made contact my bare foot; leading to an horrendous list of injuries. The was blood everywhere. It smelled beautiful by ever since I've had an terrible fear of aftershave.

Any advice on how I can overcome this? It's ruining my life.

Also, who do you think I should make captain this week?

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Yours in fear,

Jim Corr.

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Hello there Jim,

Thanks for your correspondence. This is of course a common occurrence in dressing rooms. My advice would be to perhaps start off small and work your way up. Maybe rub some wax from scented candles on yourself, then perhaps some Fairy washing-up liquid. Then you might be brave enough to try roll-on deodorant and so forth.

In terms of Fantasy Football, I would give Van Persie the armband this week. I'm putting all my eggs in his glorious but greying basket.

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Hope this helps,

The Don.

Get the feckin' Crunchies out of the car

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Hi Don,

Hope you're keeping well? I recently bought a multipack of Crunchie bars with the hope that they would bring some chocolate love into my life. I threw one into the fridge to see what it would it be like if it were cooler. It was only as it lay in there that I read, on one of the other, non-refrigerated bars, an instruction that quite clearly stated 'Do not refrigerate.'

Now I'm absolutely terrified to open my fridge. I've no idea what might happen. On top of that I'm not sure whether I should put Ozil straight into my Fantasy Football team.

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Any thoughts on these issues?

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Andrea Corr.

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Hi Andrea,

Listen to me. Everything is going to be OK. I know you might have heard old wive's tales about refrigerated Crunchies exploding and killing entire families but these are just vicious lies circulated by Nestlé. Don't let their scaremongering affect you. The reason Cadbury's advise not putting your Crunchie in the fridge is because it causes the honeycomb to expand and crack the chocolate. Nothing more, nothing less.

I wouldn't be too trigger-happy about bringing in Ozil. Yes he has a very good assist record with Madrid and Germany but there are other options available. He'll improve Arsenal's team overall obviously, so that should lend itself to Walcott, Cozorla and Giroud getting more points too. Perhaps Ozil will end up as an assist to the assist man, and therefore the others would be better investments.

Yours,

The Don.

You're not in Granard now

Dia dhuit Don,

I have a friend called Thomas. Thomas comes from Co Longford – Granard to be precise – but woke up recently, convinced he is from the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia. He going around shouting slogans of hatred directed at Jason McAteer and he's been writing songs that he thinks will help them beat Ireland in the Eurovision.

I'm afraid he'll never snap out of it. I'm also afraid that if I don't play my wildcard this week then my season could already be over.

Hope you can help,

Sharon Corr.

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Dear Sharon,

This is a very grave problem indeed. I think you should delve into Thomas's past experiences of when he still thought he was from  Granard and use these to see if they trigger some sort of memories in his subconsciousness. Bring him to the Pat the Baker factory; go drinking bottles of Buckfast in wheel barrows on country roads; get in a fight with a load of lads from Abbeylara.

Hopefully these things will bring him back to the real world.

In answer to your other question. I think you should wait it out with your wilcard. As Ger Loughnane would tell you, All Ireland's aren't won in July and Fantasy Football isn't won in early September. Don't panic, there is still plenty of time to turn things around.

Thanks for getting in touch,

The Don.

Read: Shit Fantasy Football Managers Say

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