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Forget Gary Lineker - Here Are The Raciest Moments In Irish Punditry

Forget Gary Lineker - Here Are The Raciest Moments In Irish Punditry
By Conor Neville

Gary Lineker chose the day after his divorce to invoke masturbation on Match of the Day for the first time in the long history of the programme. But they don't hold a candle to Irish TV in the raciness stakes.

Pat Spillane in Adelaide

This erotic tale only saw the light of day thanks to Michael Lyster confusing the British boxer Amir Kahn with the Pakistan cricketer Imran Kahn. Joe Brolly, liberally interspersing his pre-match monologue with metaphors, compared Mayo to Amir Kahn, in the sense that their attack was good but their defence was very suspect.

Lyster said he wasn't sure what cricket had to do with it, whereupon the lads piled on and Brolly demanded to know how much the taxpayers of the Irish Republic were paying for him.

The mix-up inspired Spillane to recall an episode from his glory days.

While on one of those legendary post-All-Ireland winning tours that the Kerry boys were treated to in the early 1980s, Spillane got chatting to a girl in an Adelaide nightclub.

The girl in question had the weekend of her life.

She informed Pat that the night before she met him, she had been in bed with none other than Pakistan cricketer Imran Kahn. Pat told her that if she ever met Kahn again, she should tell him who she was with the night after, 'Pat Spillane, Kerry footballer'.

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'81 Adelaide' he confirmed for any GAA historians out there.

[soundcloud url="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/111926016" params="color=ff5500" width="100%" height="166" iframe="true" /]

 

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Eamon Dunphy on the amorous embrace between Garth Crooks and Sven Goran Eriksson

Queer as Folk had concluded its five year run on Channel 4 the year before but Eamon Dunphy's experience indicates that the British state broadcaster was not so liberated.

The tender loving scene between Garth Crooks and Sven Goran Eriksson on the touchline in Stuttgart went to some way towards restoring the BBC's reputation as a bastion of liberal values.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HN5Bi1O6cY

 

Eamon Dunphy on Rod Liddle

Rod Liddle is the former editor of BBC Radio 4's flagship current affairs show, 'Today' programme. He is a former Guardian columnist and currently writes for The Sunday Times and the Spectator. He is the author of four books, including a work of short stories. He has made several documentaries on Channel 4 on topics such as the Israeli-Palestine conflict, immigration and atheism.

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In Ireland, however, he is known principally for the being the man who left his wife for a young wan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Prep4trYNj4

Charlie McCreevy asserting that beating Kerry is better than sex

In an interview with the Sunday Business Post in the mid-noughties, renowned philosopher Charlie McCreevy said that the pompous, high-minded elites in Brussels who were getting their knickers in a twist about art subsidies and gender quotas had it all wrong.

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Most people, Charlie said, 'just want to earn a decent living, be able to afford a few pints, go to a game of football, and have a bit of sex'.

However, for Charlie, better even than sex is the sight of the lillywhites winning a big game in Croke Park. It's not something that has happened with great regularity in recent years but back in the late 1990s, they were hitting their stride.

While oft-alluding to his friendship with Colm O'Rourke (seated above in the studio), Charlie tried to sum up what it meant to him to see Kildare win.

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I think Colm (O'Rourke) owes me another few quid. No matter if you won the lottery it wouldn't give you as much pleasure as Kildare have given both myself and other people for the last few years. It's better than winning the lottery. And as some other politician said one time... or I think it was the jockey that rode the winner of the Grand National. It's better than sex and I would agree.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0pPDz9DMGo

Joe Brolly - numerous Gaelic Life columns

Brolly's most racy contributions have generally arrived via his ludicrously quotable and playfully discursive Gaelic Life columns.

In 2014, he naturally began a story about Brian Cody by telling an anecdote about the Cavan man who felt compelled to perform a rendition of 'Amhrann na bhFiann' as a prelude to sex.

A FRIEND of mine told me a story once about a drunken night in Dublin when she was a university student. She fell in with a student from Cavan and they ended up back in her place. After a bit of passionate kissing on the sofa, she suggested they move to the bedroom.

Just as they were climbing into the bed, he suddenly stopped and said to her “There’s something I want to do.” “What is it?” she said. He hesitated for a second, then blurted out “ Ah f*** it I’m just going to do it.”

As she looked on in bemusement, he stood bolt upright and sang the whole of Amhrán na bhFiann at the top of his voice. At the height of his passion, that was what came into his mind.

A Frenchman would have difficulty understanding his motivation, but when she told me the story I didn’t really think it that strange at all.

A year beforehand he told the story of his own romantic exploits in New York sometime in the early 1990s, the morning after which he was unjustly accused of destroying his hungover lady friend's motor.

After the first training session with the team in Van Courtland Park, we went to the bar overlooking the park and got very drunk.

“Duck, young Brolly,” said one of the older lads, just as a volley of empty shot glasses smashed against the wall of the pub. I had barely straightened up when they drilled another row of shots and another half dozen egg cups shattered against the wall. At this point, I got into a safer position behind a pillar. Thing was, nobody asked them to stop. It was like Vikings drinking after they had sacked the nunnery and cut off the locals’ heads.

As the night wore on I fell in with a girl and after a short time we were earnestly telling each other how much we loved one another. In the small hours, we ventured outside, she produced keys to an ancient $300 sedan and full as a monkey, she drove home. When she reached her building, she turned right a bit too hard and drove straight into the wall of the apartment block. It was like the opening credits in “Police Squad” where the squad car drives straight into the dustbins. She didn’t even reverse. Just left the car with its nose crushed against the wall. Next morning when we emerged, she saw the damage and said, “What were you thinking of driving home? Look what you’ve done to my car.

Read more: Ger Brennan Makes News In The UK As 'The Ladyball' Reaches The British Press

 

 

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