Football

Here, Paolo Di Canio, This Is A Guide To Proper Sporting Putdowns

Here, Paolo Di Canio, This Is A Guide To Proper Sporting Putdowns

Sporting comebacks have a venerable history. The outraged post-match interview has given us some of most treasured sporting moments down the years. Other managers, journalists, the teams fans have been on the receiving end of some legendary volleys. The incoming Ireland manager bore the brunt of a Paolo Di Canio riposte today. He has a lot to learn.

Here's your guide to the key phrases that should be used in a sporting rant

1. "A lot of things have been said over the last few days"

Hinting, faux restrained, yet non-committal, this is a deeply exciting phrase. It's a phrase that has teed up many a fine sporting rant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uO3de_8tZVI

2. "It doesn't bother me what he has to say about me"
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It's not you that you're worried about, it's like water off a duck's back (water off a duck's arse is increasingly favoured by British based sportsmen) but what's been said about the other players is (well) out of order.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCp1LupQS3M

 

3. "Anyone who saw what went on out there..."

A classic of the genre. Sure just take a look. You can make your own minds up

4. "I'm f****** sick of you f****** slime"
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Cursing is only to be f****** used f****** sparingly. No f****** casual swearing, you're making a f****** point by talking like this in front of the f****** press. And I use the word f****** advisedly.

 

5. "These are facts"

The best rants tend to be painfully obvious in their meticulous preparation. You can't argue with the facts. Simply states the "facts" makes you look cool and composed. The overuse of the word "facts" tends to undermine the claim that you're keeping cool and composed.

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6. "It's when people get personal..."

You can always say a criticism is personal, even when it isn't. The great thing this plan of attack is that the line is so blurred on whether something is personal that no one can decide whether it is or not. The odd thing was McGuinness called Dublin "chokers" and then claimed Donegal were being disrespected.

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7. "I think we deserve more respect"

The "r" word is deployed at frayed, pressured moments. It has a very strong, huffy air of moral authority. It will make all the baying media mob (to use an Eoghan Harris phrase) thoroughly ashamed of themselves and give even the most ruthless, stone-hearted cynic pause for thought.

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8. "We're just disappointed with what was said"

Jim McGuinness is a master at this solemn, "more in sorrow than in anger" type of rant. As Des Cahill tends to say when introducing a rant, he has had some strong things to say.

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9. "Everybody thinks they have the prettiest wife at home" and other enigmatic comments

Rare but memorable when they occur. Mourinho was particularly expert at this game.

 

 10. The Mike Bassett parody

Another quite rare event. At present count, it has been done a total of one time since the film came out.

 

Conor Neville
Article written by
Perennial finalist in stand-up comedy competitions and former Contract Lawyer/ Coal Salesman with Corless, Corless and Sweeney

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