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If Some Of History's Greatest Writers Had Ghosted Roy Keane's Autobiography...

Conor Neville
By Conor Neville
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Judging from the extracts plastered all over the internet, Roddy Doyle appears to have had a great time working on Roy Keane's explosive book.

We're confident this is the first time a Booker Prize winning author has ghosted a footballer's autobiography. Though we heard rumours Salman Rushdie has agreed to ghost John Terry's next one (a case of one besieged hate figure recognising another). One wonders how some of history's greatest ever literary figures would have treated the life of Roy...

Charles Dickens

A Tale of One Association

'It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of amateurism, it was the age of tomfoolery, it was epoch of cock ups, it was the epoch of the complete and utter shambles...'


James Joyce

Portrait of the Artist as a young Corkonian

'Jimmy Floyd Hasselbank ate with relish the inner contents of a cheese sandwich - not'


PG Wodehouse

Right Ho Keano

'Into the face of the man standing on the balcony of the Hotel Magnificent in Warsaw there crept a look of furtive shame, a shifty hangdog look that announces that a Corkman is about to do some punditry with Adrian Chiles'



Jane Austen

Where's your fuckin' pride and prejudice?

'It is a truth universally acknowledged that an Irish footballer on international duty must be in want of some edible pasta and a first class plane ticket at the very least.'



Franz Kafka

The FA Disciplinary Hearing

'Roy K must have been playing in a match refereed by David Elleray, because without having done anything wrong save for trodding on Gareth Southgate's stomach, he found himself being shown a red card.'



Leo Tolstoy

Virtual Civil War and Peace

'Vengeance is mine. I will repay that c*** Alfie Haaland'



Samuel Beckett

Waiting for Godot to bring over the fucking training gear

Roy Keane: 'I can't go on...  I've a hamstring strain'

Mick McCarthy: 'Ah...' (*thinks 'I'll bring that up later on')


See: Roy Keane's story about signing Robbie Savage might be out favourite yet

Also: 'Keane is bullshitting' - Eamon Dunphy bites back


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