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A Bedamndible Number Of People Are Offering To Have Jon Walters' Babies

A Bedamndible Number Of People Are Offering To Have Jon Walters' Babies
By Mark Farrelly

When Jon Walters scored his second goal last night I was overcome by a strange phenomenon. My immediate reaction was to send out a tweet, roaring 'I WILL HAVE JON WALTERS' BABIES.'

Now being a straight man who neither possesses a womb nor any sort of family planning material, this seemed an odd, instinctive response. However, within 10 seconds Paddy Power had tweeted out a similar offer.

Leaving aside the fact that Paddy Power got 367 retweets and I got none - the pricks - I began to wonder was this more widespread than one might imagine. I was not disappointed:

If anyone is a psychologist out there, can you please explain why so many people had this knee-jerk reaction? In terms of the men who made this offer, is it that we have some sort of subconscious insecurity about our ability to be a father. How low is our self-esteem that we need to call in another father-figure for our child?

Have any of us really considered the complexities that having Jon Walters' children would entail? The late-night feedings, the problems that having a child with a professional footballer who spends so much time travelling etc. What would his wife think? Where would the children go to school? Would I need to move to England?

Actually maybe we've taken up the meaning of 'have' wrong here. Maybe the babies already exist and people are offering ownership of them to Walters. A sort of 'Here. Take him. He's yours now,' kind of job.

After a long think, I am withdrawing my offer to have his babies. Sorry Jon, I love you be this is just too much too soon. You just have to accept me naming my first born after you.

Also read: How You Can Be More Like Jon Walters - A 16 Step Guide

Also read: James McClean Was The Soundest Man In Ireland During Jon Walters' Penalty

 

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