After what felt like an eternity of waiting, the new Premier League season has returned to our screens with a bang.
There were upsets, long-range crackers, own-goals, goal-filled thrillers, and some crap games too to be fair, but now we know so much more about the teams contesting the league this year than we did just a week ago.
As always after the first game of the season, new signings will be written off as a disaster, summer re-building plans will be thrown out the window, and those who played well will be over-hyped to the point of delusion.
Here are our 10 outlandish knee-jerk reactions from the weekend's Premier League fixtures.
Petr Cech is finished and Arsenal have bought a dud.
He was supposed to be the reason that Arsenal are serious title contenders this year, but instead he was at fault for both goals in a 0-2 loss to West Ham. This of course means that he is past his best, and Chelsea did well to get rid of him, because goalkeepers always start perfectly at new clubs and there is no time for him to improve. Obviously.
West Ham United are on for the top 4.
There is no stopping West Ham on their surge for Champions League football. Forget the fact they have already been eliminated from Europa League qualification, their excellent new signings and a motivated Mauro Zarate mean Bilic is on course for the top four. In fairness, if West Ham aren't playing Champions League football next season, Dimitri Payet might be.
Wayne Rooney can't get the goals to play as a lone striker.
Wayne Rooney had absolutely no impact on the game against Spurs, and no it wasn't early season rust. It doesn't matter if he starts up front every week and grows back into the role, he isn't good enough to be the focal point of an attack and United won't get the goals with him up there on his own.
Bournemouth are going down.
They aren't the swashbuckling, never say die, young upstarts we saw take the Championship by storm last year, they are a seriously understrength squad with little to no top flight experience who will struggle to win games up and down the league all year.
Matteo Darmian is Manchester United's best new signing.
What a performance, what a player. Forget Memphis, forget World Cup winning captain Bastian Schweinsteiger, Matteo Darmian is the man. Antonio Valencia should never see another minute of Premier League action, because Darmian proved by shutting down the prolific Nacer Chadli that he is more than up to the standard required, and is nailed on for team of the year.
Olivier Giroud has to go if Arsenal want to win.
A waster who cares more about his hair than scoring goals, Giroud must be removed from the Arsenal striking rotation if the Gunners want to win anything. Theo Walcott should start, or Alexis Sanchez up top, never Giroud. In no situations Giroud.
Shane Long is the best header of a ball in the league.
They talk about "pound for pound" fighters, well what about "inch for inch" headers of a ball? Because there is nobody under six foot that can get up and nod a ball home like Shane Long. At 5"11' the Tipperary man is lethal in the air, and should be starting for Southampton.
Reece Oxford is the next great hope of English football.
The second youngest player ever in the Premier League, West Ham's Reece Oxford was thrown in at the deep end against Arsenal and it didn't bother him one bit. This means West Ham will sell him for £52.7m in next summer's transfer window, and he will reject the chance to play for the England U21s because he's the future.
Tottenham are still Tottenham.
They have pretty much already wrapped up sixth place. You can see the batterings at the hands of top-six sides, the surprise London derby win, and the countless 2-1 wins thanks to late Christian Eriksen goals already. It's a formality.
Jose Mourinho has lost the plot.
Nobody buts Eva Carneiro in the corner! When Mourinho flipped out and took a pop at the lovely Eva, he was bang out of order and it proves that he's a madman. The referee waved the physio on, but instead Jose tried to blame her for the counter attack? Come off it.
I would like to thank the general public for their overwhelming support. Really very much appreciated.
Posted by Eva Carneiro on Sunday, August 9, 2015
