The Team Make Their Outlandish Transfer Window Predictions

The Team Make Their Outlandish Transfer Window Predictions

The summer transfer window is a crazy time of the year, with supporters all over the world completely losing the run of themselves. Tracking flight patterns, obsessively tracking Instagram activity, waving dildos in the ears of reporters, it's all part and parcel of the game.

To get into this mad spirit of things, we here at Balls HQ decided to come up with our own predictions for the summer window. We probably wouldn't put money on many of these, but you never know.

Here's what we came up with.

Gary Connaughton - delusional FIFA player

Interest from Manchester United causes both Declan Rice and Jack Grealish to redeclare for Ireland

With Manchester United seemingly on a crusade to sign every British player under the age of 24, they soon turn their attentions to the rising English starlets of Declan Rice and Jack Grealish.

West Ham and Aston Villa initially resist their overtures, demanding outrageous transfer fees for both players. But this is Ed Woodward they are negotiating with, and there is possibly no man in the world more dangerous with a chequebook in his hand.


He agrees to sign both players for a combined £285million.

Neither Rice nor Grealish actually want to move to Old Trafford, dismayed by the prospect of having to share a dressing room with Jesse Lingard. With their clubs now pushing them out the door, they take the only action they can.

Both players redeclare for Ireland, thus decimating their transfer value. No longer British, United drop their interest in the pair and make a move for the youthful Theo Walcott.

Mick McCarthy flat out refuses to call up either player, with Robbie Keane getting a 'we're fucking Ireland' tattoo on his forehead in a show of support for his manager.

Aonghus Ó Maicín - brainwashed Mayo man


Real Madrid attempt to bring Paddy McCourt out of retirement

With Real Madrid still looking to bolster their attack but unable to offload Gareth Bale, they go out in search for a bargain and discover Paddy McCourt.

They sign him up on a massive contract, but after failing the medical they realise that he lied about his birth cert and the deal falls through on the last day of the window.

Maurice Brosnan - hurl whisperer

Manchester United fail to learn their lesson. Again...

A significant reason for the club’s continued decline has been Manchester United’s decision-making model. Mainly, it is the process of making decisions that seem like good football moves but are not because they are made by people who don’t really understand football.


Jose Mourinho as manager, in the aftermath of Louis Van Gaal who followed David Moyes, seemed like a good headline move for a man who has been in successful in football. It failed to take into account his recent record, the players at his disposal or style of play. It was a great decision to those who understand commercial markets, revenue, retail and Romanian fridge sponsorships but who doesn’t understand football.

It is through this prism that you can understand the signings of Alexis Sanchez, Angel Di Maria, Romelu Lukaku and Paul Pogba.

Man United are the club who would pay the fee being demanded for Paul Pogba if it wasn’t being demanded by Man United.

Neymar, Gareth Bale, even James Rodríguez, these are players with significant financial or off-field baggage who would only continue to disharmonise and disorient a directionless club. But they are a big name who have demonstrated talent and may even sell a shirt or two, Ed Woodward will invariably come calling.

Mark 'Derby County are a bunch of cowards' Farrelly

Marcelo Bielsa will sign Carlos Tevez for Leeds


Where is Carlos Tevez now? Some say he's back at Boca, some say he's in China, others have spotted him in India. Who knows? Who cares? All that matters is that come the first day of the season he will be at Elland Road.

Inspired by his fellow countryman, Marcelo Bielsa, Tevez will give England for one last run, scoring 20 goals and leading Leeds back to the promised land.

Michael McCarthy - failed Ipswich manager

Aston Villa inject some fresh blood into the squad

Aston Villa's Premier League strategy will be a resounding success. Picking off the best of the top teams in the division, the midlands giants will be immediately competing for the top honours in the game.


First up, they will raid the champions. Manchester City will struggle to hold on to their superstar left back Fabien Delph when Dean Smith comes knocking.

Next up, the champions of Europe. James Milner's arrival at Villa Park will signal a new dawn of ambition for the club. Manchester United fans will be devastated to see talismanic captain Ashley Young depart for the pastures new.

With money naturally becoming an issue at this stage, Villa will need to look lower down the league for their next acquisition. Value will be the order of the day when they pinch the prolific Christian Benteke from Crystal Palace.

Not many managers know the Championship like Dean Smith, and he'll finalise the Villa squad by bringing in the finest talent that league has to offer. Gareth Barry is expected to make a the trip across the West Midlands from West Brom while Barry Bannon's time at Sheffield Wednesday could be up.

Meanwhile, rumours in Colombia suggest Juan Pablo Angel is keen on coming out of retirement for one more crack at the Premier League. Early projections suggest Aston Villa to qualify for the 2020/21 Champions League.

Kevin Beirne - Hector Bellerin apologist


Arsenal finally sign Luis Suarez, six years too late

This is it, Arsenal fans. This is the year you finally get Luis Suarez. Barcelona didn't plan to sell Suarez but with Neymar returning to Catalunya, they simply couldn't resist a bid of €40m for the 32-year-old Uruguayan - especially not after the Gunners dropped an extra €1.12c on top just to sweeten the deal.

Now you might be thinking why would Arsenal, a team who have relatively little to spend this summer focus all of their money on the only position in which they are already strong? Wouldn't they be better off trying to finally fix that shambles of a defence or finding a replacement for the Juventus-bound Aaron Ramsey?

The answer to all of those questions is simple: this is not the Arsenal way. The club exists purely for the purposes of torturing its own fans, giving them a morsel of hope that things can change (like signing one of the best strikers in the world) before smashing them over the back of the head with a concrete block with the word 'reality' crudely painted on it (the continued existence of Shkodran Mustafi).

Arsenal will sign Suarez, hand him Henrikh Mkhitaryan's number seven shirt (sorry Mkhi but the club have already proven they don't really care about you) and the Suarez-Lacazette-Aubameyang axis will score six goals a game while Mustafi and co. will concede six of their own.

Arsenal will end the season unbeaten, having drawn all 38 of their games 6-6, still one place above a Manchester United side who named the Coca-Cola corporation their new manager after sacking Ole Gunnar Solskjaer eight games into the season.

 SEE ALSO: Barcelona May Be Forced To Pay Off PSG's Adrien Rabiot If He Joins Juventus

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