The remnants of the weekend are but a distant memory. The weekend is now in the rearview mirror of life, with the current pitstop of Monday morning holding nothing but yawning and malice. On the bright side, we can bring you the another iteration of our alternative player ratings, because sometimes numbers don't tell the full story.
The big Brazilian target man finally got off the mark for Aston Villa in their 2-0 victory over Everton on Friday night. He kept the Everton backline on edge with his pace and power, peeling off Michael Keane for his goal. The second also came down to terrific hold-up play. The scene was a reminder of one of 50 Cent's most underrated songs, 'Patiently Waiting'. Rather than patiently waiting for a track to explode on, Wesley was patiently waiting for a John McGinn to pass to. The Scot subsequently set up Anwar El Ghazi to put the game beyond reach.
Rating - Get rich or die tryin'
Another player that has felt early season pressure is former Aston Villa loanee Tammy Abraham. Since missing a penalty in the UEFA Super Cup final, the pressure has only been exacerbated. However, the striker scored twice as Frank Lampard's Chelsea™ got their first win of the season, eventually running out 3-2 winners against Norwich City. Abraham's first was a brilliant half-volley. However, although he worked well to get his second, questions have to be asked of Tim Krul in the Norwich goal. Questions akin to; Where is the Ralf Fahrmann? When are we going to get the Ralf Fahrmann? Why aren't they going to get the Ralf Fahrmann now? And so on...
Rating - Fat Tony
David de Gea
David de Gea, with your ignorance to angles, you've done it again. Manchester United succumb to their first defeat of the season, losing 1-2 at home to Crystal Palace. Although he was stranded for Jordan Ayew's opener, he was most definitely at fault for Patrick van Aanholt's winner. The ball squeezed through de Gea's body at his near post. Despite being a full-time professional goalkeeper for over ten years, de Gea still refuses to recognise that he has to cover his near post. It is an admirable yet futile stance.
Rating - #PVADoingBits
There was a debate in the office regarding fantasy football, as is expected coming up to a Premier League weekend. The conversation then turned to Brighton's abundance of strikers and who to plump for. Disregarding Jurgen Locadia and Glenn Murray, we were left with Florin Andone and Neal Maupay. Andone didn't do much to endear himself to the fantasy football playing public, getting sent off for a horrific challenge on Yann Valery. Sure, you might have been better off going for Locadia instead.
Rating - EDM
For a club that have a tendency to give managers one year at a time, Javi Gracia has been testing the patience of the Watford board ever since January of this year. So far this season, the Spaniard's charges have a 0% win record. That's bad at any club, never mind one that quicker than Jesse James with the trigger.
Rating - Yee Haw
Ireland's James Maddison
James Maddison, with his beautiful footballing brain, please pretend you want to play for Ireland. Even for a fleeting moment, make us dream. Think about how much we laud Wes Hoolahan, imagine that on steroids. Oh god, just imagine. Please, James. We'll give you everything you need. However, he did get an assist against Ireland's very own Sheffield United, so he needs to nip that in the bud.
Rating - The Playmaker I Loved So Well
Unai Emery plumped for the Martin O'Neill special on Saturday, surprising everybody with a diamond formation against Liverpool. Despite an encouraging performance, the Gunners still lost 1-3. Arsenal had won their first two matches, playing in more of a 4-3-3. Emery's tendency to go more conservative whilst playing away from home worked against a limited Newcastle side, but Liverpool are different story. We've still not seen the swashbuckling front three of Pepe, Aubameyang and Lacazette start together, but the triumvirate exist beautifully in my head.
Rating - Surely not, no Shirley Bassey
Harry Wilson is the king of the ging, to take a Drimnagh-ism from Brian Kerr. Be it a free-kick or from open-play, you can bet that Harry Wilson will be lining up a strike. Despite Bournemouth going down 1-3 to Manchester City, Wilson's effort was certainly the highlight. We'd pay good money to see how far Harry Wilson could kick an empty Coke can down the road.
Rating - Reduce, reuse, recycle
Picture this. It's the final minute of injury time and your team are camped in their own box by wave after wave of attacks. The ball breaks into your path. Rather than attempt to survey all around you, you instead fly through to hack the ball away, catching the crafty striker you've kept at bay all evening. Then imagine him dusting himself off and cooly sending your goalkeeper the wrong way. Also envision that all this has occurred and Sean Dyche is your manager. Think about how much of a bloodbath the dressing room was in the aftermath of that. Poor Erik Pieters. Can Sean Dyche give the hairdryer treatment considering he has no hair to speak of?
Rating - Head and Shoulders
We warned you last week, Mauricio. Despite the 2-2 draw away to Manchester City, we made it clear that there's only one man to take Spurs to the next level. We say 'man', of course Troy Parrott is still only 17. Either way, this weekend was even worse. Not only was Parrott not involved in the Spurs U23's match on Friday. Then, his jersey was spotted in the background of Robbie Keane's Instagram story, further fuelling speculation that he would be part of the match day squad. We were all dreaming, Mauricio, then you let us down. Spurs felt the wrath of Ireland's ill-will against their manager's decision, going down 0-1 to a Newcastle side that nobody fancied, not even their own fans.
Rating - Comeuppance