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The Beard Scale: Ranking The Revelations From Roy Keane's Book

Gary Reilly
By Gary Reilly
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The more dramatic among us could mark this week as a pivotal point in the future of the printed word. It seems the power of social media has rendered Roy Keane's book as yesterday's news before the much hyped tome has even been released.

However, there's a problem with this. There has almost been too many vignettes/nuggets/teasers to properly ingest them all in one go. At least if we all had our own copy we could take it leisurely and dally on the bits we find interesting. However with the way it has been leaked, a story is released but before you get a chance to digest it, it's been replaced on your timeline by something else.

So, with that in mind, we've decided to throw together some of our preferred sections and rank them according to the severity of Roy's wonderful beard. We're ranking these in terms of 'Roy factor'. In other words, we're ranking them according to how entertained we were by the thought of Roy sitting there stewing away while Roddy Doyle was furiously typing away. Just for reference, five o'clock shadow = slightly amusing, Bull McCabe = Keane at his best.

Roy Keane on why he turned down Celtic

Keane deciding to turn down the job at Parkhead in favour of sticking by Martin O'Neill's side is only worth a five o'clock shadow in the grand scheme of things.

Roy Keane on why things didn't work out at Ipswich

Plenty of folks don't like the colour blue so we're giving equating this to morning after the night before stubble.


Roy Keane on Fergie trying to screw over David Beckham

Given that Becks is involved in this one, we thought it only right to equate it with the designer stubble phase.

Roy Keane on fighting Peter Schmeichel


Keane head-butting the great Dane in Hong Kong sounds a bit like two prize stags rutting. That deserves the dignified silver fox beard.

Roy Keane on his midlife crisis

When Roy gets philosophical he needs just enough added fuzz for some contemplative chin-stroking.


Roy Keane on his return from the international wilderness

'The one thing I found strange was that I wasn't made captain.' The sense of entitlement at play here deserves the kind of beard that only the most alpha of alpha men can pull off.

Roy Keane on the fight with Fergie


Telling Fergie 'we need fucking more from you' quite possibly marks the cross over towards the kind of unkempt facial wilderness that makes children cry and strangers cross the street.

Roy Keane on how Cristiano Ronaldo ended up at Man Utd

John O'Shea playing 'like a fucking clown' marks the emergence of the Bull McCabe era in which people no longer cross the street to avoid him but instead flock to him to sort out parish disputes over land rights, livestock and whatever else may be threatening the village.


Roy Keane on why he didn't sign Robbie Savage

Refusing to sign an ageing Robbie Savage because he didn't like the message on his voicemail is surely as good as it gets. The Bull McCabe + a week of extra growth = what must be the pinnacle of rugged manliness. If he somehow manages to keep it going past this point he's going to have to release another book so we can update this post.


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