Being a commentator is a tricky game, you have to be present without getting in the way, informative yet succinct. Then you have your Ray Hudsons of the world, who encapsulate the heightened bombast around football in the modern age. The self styled verbal gymnast doesn't so much commentate on the game as he does try to shoehorn outrageous analogies into them, with Lionel Messi the target for a lot of his blustery superlatives.
On the one hand, the Geordie does provide entertainment, be it ironic or otherwise. Here are 13 of his most outrageous quotes.
Ray on Ronaldo
1. This is not just a dream, this is a wet dream of orgasmic proportions. It's got more curves than Jessica Rabbit on steroids - On a Ronaldo free-kick against Atletico Madrid.
2. He turns the defenders into nothing less than garden gnomes, and then he unleashes hell, a magisterial strike from the dark invader. Out of the darkness he emerges and lights this up with illuminatery (don't think that's a word) football.
3. Giving Cristiano that much time and space on the ball is like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank.
4. He is as electrifying as a Jimi Hendrix guitar going into an hot tub.
Ray on Messi
5. Real Madrids defence spread like spandex on Miami beach and Casillas is left naked - After David Villa scored against Real from a Messi through ball
6. Once more Casillas' men are playing poker with a witch.
7. Centipedes fantasise about having one left leg like his - Ray 'Entomologist' Hudson
Miscellaneous
12. Possession without penetration is just masturbation - I'll give him this one.
13. David Villa has got an eye for goal that would make the cyclops jealous! - This one simply does not make sense.
