Football

9 Real Life Football Stories That Would Have Been Perfect On 'Dream Team'

9 Real Life Football Stories That Would Have Been Perfect On 'Dream Team'

As you may be aware if you were a regular visitor to this site this week, we are big fans of Sky One's football-based drama Dream Team.

In fact,we've dedicated a whole week of content to celebrate the 20th anniversary of its debut episode.

After spending a full week immersed in the madness that was Harchester United, we couldn't help but wonder what would have been the result if some actual events that occured in the world of football were in fact written up by the geniuses behind Sky One's ridiculous series.

The following are all real events, we will be telling you what actually happened, and what would have happened if it was on Dream Team. Let's begin.

Karim Benzema is arrested over blackmail of a Mathieu Valbuena sex tape and is suspected to be linked with a Drug cartel.

dream team storylines

What actually happened: Karim Benzema was arrested and subsequently charged with blackmailing his international team mate and supposed pal Mathieu Valbuena with a sex tape. He was also an alleged suspect in a major drug trafficking scandal in France.

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What would have happened on Dream Team: Karim Benzema was arrested and subsequently charged with blackmailing Mathieu Valbuena with a sex tape, he is later found guilty in court and sentenced to 25 years in prison. Meanwhile Valbuena is secretly running the biggest drug trafficking scandal in French history and is a secret cocaine addict himself. He has framed Benzema because he's jealous of his success at international level and is sick of not being the centre of attention at Harchester United. Halfway through the season good guy Djibril Cisse exposes Valbuena for the criminal he really is and tries to work undercover to have Benzema released in time for the FA Cup final. Just as he's about to expose the truth to the world, Cisse is shot dead in his tracks by none other than Samir Nasri, the man who starred alongside Valbuena in the sex tape. Harchester go on to win the FA Cup with Valbuena netting the winner.

Mario Balotelli starts fire in his home with fireworks.

dream team storylines

What actually happened: On the eve of the Manchester derby, Mario Balotelli and his friends thought it would be a good idea to set off fireworks in an upstairs bedroom. A fire started, and the fire brigade were called at 1am to extinguish the fire.

What would have happened on Dream Team: On the eve of the Manchester derby, Mario Balotelli is having an affair with Roberto Mancini's wife, and then decides to set off fireworks in an upstairs bathroom. The house is burned to the ground and Mancini's wife is killed. Upon hearing the news, Mancini orders Balotelli in for a meeting in the changing room, where he impales him on a dressing room peg, killing him instantly. Roberto Mancini then also murders Carlos Tevez as he goes down in a blaze of glory.

The John Terry/Wayne Bridge's wife affair scandal.

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dream team storylines

What actually happened: John Terry has an affair with his best mate Wayne Bridge's missus. Bridge refuses to shake hands with John Terry and is no longer friends with him.

What would have happened on Dream Team: John Terry has an affair with Wayne Bridge's partner. Bridge finds out, and, ahead of an upcoming match between Man City and Chelsea, plots the downfall of John Terry. Bridge waits for his moment, a corner at the Chelsea end, and he insists on taking the corner. Bridge appears to be handed something by a fan before he whips in an inch perfect cross that is headed home by Vincent Kompany. In the midst of the celebrations, Bridge emerges with a gun and murders John Terry in cold blood, right in front of the shed end. He then holds the referee hostage, and orders the linesmen and fourth official back to their changing room where, after a 42 hour standoff, a SWAT team move in and take Bridge out.

Ben Watson secures incredible FA Cup final upset for Wigan against Man City.

dream team storylines

What actually happened: Super-sub Watson is called upon with the score at 0-0 and 10 minutes to play in the 2013 FA Cup final. As the game nears extra-time, Wigan win a corner which Watson heads home. Pandemonium ensues.

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What would have happened on Dream Team: Super-sub Watson is called upon with the score at 0-0 and 10 minutes to play in the 2013 FA Cup final. As the game nears extra-time, Wigan win a corner which Watson heads home. Pandemonium ensues. However, Watson, crippled by gambling debts was ordered by the Lancashire Mafia to score an own goal and lose the match. After many sleepless nights weighing up the consequences, Watson decides to do what is right. This doesn't sit well with the Lancashire Mafia at all, but they had a back-up plan. A sniper is situated on the roof of Wembley, and he steadies himself for the kill-shot on Watson. Bang! But oh no! He missed and hits Roberto Martinez instead! Now the football World is in mourning having lost a gifted young manager, Everton replace David Moyes with Ian Holloway and get relegated, and Ben Watson takes his own life after being unable to live with the guilt of having caused the death of his manager.

A Middle Eastern consortium take over at Notts County

dream team storylines

What actually happened: Munto Finance take over at Notts County and start dreaming of the Premier and Champions League. Sven Goran Eriksson is appointed director of football, but the group quickly decide that it was a terrible idea and sell the club after a matter of months.

What would have happened on Dream Team: Munto Finance take over at Notts County and start dreaming of the Premier and Champions League. Sven Goran Eriksson is appointed director of football, and decides the best way to achieve instant success is to bribe the referees. After a few years and many incredibly dodgy decisions, Notts County find themselves on the verge of the Champions League, in a winner take all final day match with Arsenal to secure 4th place. Sven now has to convince Wenger to throw the game. After The Frenchman calmly but adamantly refuses, Sven snaps at Wenger "You'll regret this!". Sven, who is being blackmailed by the Middle Eastern owners who are threatening to go public with the details of the 763 affairs he had in 3 years at Notts County, is at his wits' end. He loads his car with C4 explosives and sits in wait at The Emirates car park. When the Arsenal bus arrives, he drives straight into it. The explosion kills Wenger, and every Arsenal player, except Theo Walcott (ironically), as he was receiving injury treatment at the time.

Kolo Toure pretends to be car salesman during affair with student.

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dream team storylines

What actually happened: Married man Kolo Toure convinced a student that he was a car salesman by the name of Francois and had an affair that lasted two years before he was caught hiding in the shower.

What would have happened on Dream Team:Married man Kolo Toure convinced a student that he was a car salesman by the name of Francois and had an affair that lasted two years before he was caught hiding in the shower. Unfortunately for Kolo, this wasn't just some random student, oh no, it was Vincent Kompany's sister! In an attempt to flee Kompany and the rest of the City players who have sided with their captain, Toure packs up his things and demands that City sell him. Unfortunately not blessed with a lot of intelligence, Kolo signs for not-that-far-away Liverpool and is easily tracked down by the angry mob of City players, who poison his lucky water-bottle and laugh as they watch Toure die a slow and painful death live on Sky Sports Super Sunday.

Asamoah Gyan denies that he murdered a Ghanaian rapper for a human sacrifice.

dream team storylines

What actually happened: After the disappearance of his rapper friend Castro, Asamoah Gyan holds a press conference where he denies the rumours that he killed the rapper as part of a human sacrifice.

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What would have happened on Dream Team: After the disappearance of his rapper friend Castro, Asamoah Gyan holds a press conference where he denies the rumours that he killed the rapper as part of a human sacrifice. Later that month, during a Qatari league game, Gyan is asked to remove his jewellery before the game, when the referee notices something odd... A human tooth. Tests reveal that the tooth belongs to Castro, and Gyan is charged with murder. At the trial, Gyan breaks down and admits that he did indeed kill the rapper as a sacrifice to... Niall Quinn! It turns out the former Sunderland owner has started his own cult and brainwashed Gyan while he was a player at Sunderland. Quinn has started his own religion, and upon hearing that Gyan has given him up, he takes to YouTube to demand that all of his followers take their cyanide pills and join him in eternal paradise. Among the victims are Gary Kelly, Jason McAteer, Liam Lawrence, Stern John, and Paul McShane. May they rest in peace.

The Kevin De Bruyne/Thibaut Courtois love triangle.

What actually happened: Initially the family of De Bruyne had threatened legal action if Caroline Lijnen, his former girlfriend, gave her side of the story, but due to the release of Kevin De Bruyne's autobiography in 2014 and his discussion of the incident and how he feels Courtois stole his woman, she was allowed to give her account.

De Bruyne was alleged to have cheated on his girlfriend with one of her close friends, but eventually the couple settled their differences and were back together. Lijnen was due to visit Madrid with a friend who was also a friend of Courtois, and De Bryune was fine with that, but he didn't count on the promising goalkeeper being a seductively smooth operator, as Lijnen reveals she was wooed by Courtois:

Thibaut gave me in that one night, what I'd sorely missed for three years with Kevin. With Thibaut I could have good conversations and he also cooked nicely for me. Such a thing Kevin never did. And then suddenly we clicked.

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What would have happened on Dream Team: After discovering that his then teammate had stolen his girlfriend, De Bruyne would secretly film Courtois giving Ms.Lijnen what she never had with him, and threaten to leak the footage to The Daily Star unless the big Belgian goalie retired from football and fled to Canada.

Courtois then calls De Bruyne's bluff, and after The Daily Star run the story into the ground, the memes simply become too much for Thibaut, who murders De Bruyne in the middle of a Champions League match being broadcast around the world. Right as De Bruyne prepares to take a free kick, Courtois charges forward, but as the crowd cheer what looks like a Jose Chillavert situation of a keeper taking a free, he pulls out a gun and cheers quickly turn to screams.

Courtois is killed instantly, joining Jamie Parker in the big goalie's training session in the sky.

Jermaine Pennant has large amount of cash stolen from changing room by mystery teammate.

What actually happened: In his first week with new club Bury, Pennant was casually holding 'thousands of pounds' in cash in his locker at the training ground, only to discover it was stolen during a session. He is quoted in The Sun as saying:

The players think they know who has taken the money and have challenged him directly but he’s denying it, so it’s a difficult situation for the management to deal with.

You don’t steal from a dressing room. How can you build team spirit when one of your own is a thief?

Shocking stuff.

What would have happened on Dream Team: An absolutely brilliant 'Who Shot Mr.Burns?' style episode of Dream Team where the first-team players all turn on each other, leading to a trial of the main suspects, before it emerges that it was Jermaine Pennant all along, he just wanted to be included in more conversations at his new club.

And then the dressing room explodes and everyone dies.

Mikey Traynor

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