Here lies a not- at-all serious prediction of what will happen on the Premier League’s final day.
2:30: Owen Coyle delivers a Churchillian speech to inspire his Bolton troops ahead of their must win game away to Stoke City. The address consists of saying “The Barclays Premier league” for ten minutes. Coyle puts on his togs and socks and instinctively pats the Premier league logo on the way out. Tony Pulis forgets to address his players as he ponders which baseball cap to wear.
2:40: Ledley King is dispatched from the Spurs dressing room to find manager Harry Redknapp before their crunch game at home to Fulham. King injuries himself opening the door so Gareth Bale runs quickly down a straight corridor to the car-park where he finds his manager in his jeep with the window down. Harry has cornered a Sky Sports News reporter and while grabbing him by his shirt collar he is playing down reports linking him with England, the BBC and The Voice. Bale pushes his manager around the reporter and jets around the outside to pick him up again. Harry tells his players to “Just F****** play”.
2:45: Roberto Mancini is being interviewed by Geoff Shreeves. Mancini re-iterates that Man United are “big big” favourites for the title. Shreeves reminds him that were City to lose today they would not be champions. He also reminds him that if City were to draw they would not be champions. He also points out a stain on Mancini’s scarf and tells him his fly is open.
2:53: Steve Kean arrives at Stanford Bridge fresh off of a flight from India where he was updating his Venky’s overlords about the pursuit of Ronaldinho. He reminded them that his side have achieved 15 results in 37 games and will now be playing in the prestigious Championship. He also confirms that the chicken on the Ewood Park pitch was a sign of affection for the owners.
2:59: Concern grows at the Eithad as the team news from the Stadium of Light comes in. Sunderland’s back four reads as Bardsley, O’Shea, Brown and Kieran Richardson. Concern is heightened as it’s announced Sir Alex Ferguson submitted the Sunderland team sheet.
3:00: The alarming slide in the detail of Arsene Wenger’s team talks reaches it’s nadir as the flustered Frenchman races out to his team in the tunnel before their game with West Brom and tells them to “Just F****** give it to Robin”. Theo Walcott asks him to repeat.
3:02: Man United take the lead against Sunderland as John O’Shea powers home a header from a corner.
3:10: Swansea City become the first team in Premier League history to have 100% possession in the opening 10 minutes of a game. Andy Carroll goes down with cramp.
3:11: Liverpool take the lead against Swansea.
3:15: QPR withstand the opening Man City onslaught. Shaun Derry resorts to climbing on Ya-Ya Toure’s back to stop the Ivorian. Joey Barton distracts Carlos Tevez by quoting Chairman Mao and Sun Tzu. Sheikh Mansoor has an actual sword of Damocles constructed to hang over Roberto Mancini’s head.
3:25: Fernando Torres gives Chelsea the lead against Blackburn after rounding three men and slamming the ball past a distracted Paul Robinson. Grounds men sweep chicken bones from the Blackburn goal. Steve Kean observes that Blackburn got a result in the opening 24 minutes.
3:27: Peter Crouch puts Stoke in front against Bolton after a sweeping 20 pass move involving every outfield player. Rory Delap shakes his head in derision in the stands. Owen Coyle looks dejectedly at his togs.
3:30: Early Arsenal pressure comes to nothing at the Hawthorns as Theo Walcott loses the ball on the goal-line having stopped with an empty goal at his mercy to look for Robin Van Persie. Roy Hodgson misses the incident as he is busy with a magic eight ball.
3:45: Man City take the lead at the Eithad as Ya-Ya Toure carries the entire QPR team over the goal-line to score.
3:46: Man United double their lead at Sunderland as Wayne Rooney converts an excellent cross from Phil Bardsley.
3:50: Deep in the bowels of the Britannica Owen Coyle kneels on one knee with his players in a circle around him. He looks each and every one of them square in the eye before muttering four simple words. “The Barclays Premier league” A guttural roar rises from the Bolton dressing room.
3:55: Harry Redknapp, upset that his side only hold a single goal lead submits a bid for Everton’s Nikita Jelavic. He refuses to discuss the player in a half-time interview only to say he’s a terrific player and he’d love to have him.
4:01: Man United go 3-0 up after Kieran Richardson whips a fine free-kick around the Sunderland wall.
4:15: Bolton equalise at Stoke through David N’Gog. The news filters through to Mark Hughes at the Eitihad who urges his players to step up from their own eighteen yard box. Roberto Mancini responds by sacrificing David Silva and Sergio Aguero for Micah Richards and Nigel de Jong.
4:24: Arsenal go in front at West Brom after Robin Van Persie crashes in an unstoppable volley from a Theo Walcott cross. Arsene Wenger is beaming on the sideline and will later use this as an example of Theo’s tactical maturity.
4:30: Man United hit three goals in as many minutes to go 6-0 up at Sunderland. Martin O’Neill substitutes three of his back four and miraculously it seems to work as they go five minutes without conceding. Ferguson looks crestfallen on the sideline as John O’Shea consoles him.
4:35: After Fernando Torres seals the first ever double hat-trick in Premier League history, Steve Kean muses that Blackburn have made history at Stanford Bridge.
4:40: Carlos Tevez all but confirms the Premier League title for Man City after shaking off his philosophical stupor to convert a penalty. The Sword of Damocles above Roberto Mancini’s head is replaced by a piñata full of money. Mancini tells his players to keep it tight and if they continue they will be sure of second because United will win the title.
4:45: Sir Alex Ferguson announces there will be 20 minutes of added time at the Stadium of Light.
4:50: Stoppage time at the Britannica sees Bolton lay siege on Stokes goal. Coyle beckons his men into the breach one last time for the Barclays Premier League. The final whistle is blown. Coyle handles relegation well. He marches towards the Bolton end and applauds them. The breakdown will come much later when stammering and crying he murmurs “The NPower championship”.
4:51: The final whistle at the Eithad is greeted with unbridled joy as the Manchester City project is finally finished. The long suffering City fans joy is somehow enhanced with the realisation that the confetti raining down upon them is actually £20 notes. Mancini concedes they now have a chance of the title.
5:15: Sir Alex Ferguson finally concedes defeat as United are repelled by an inspired Michael Turner. Ferguson blames himself for not adding on more time.
5:20: With their place in the top four secure Harry Redknapp starts the countdown timer in his office to June 1st and upgrades Jim White to speed dial.