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Spitting In Football Ain't What It Used To Be - A Highly Serious Analysis With Arrows

Gary Reilly
By Gary Reilly
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Jonny Evans spat in the vicinity of Papiss Cissé. Papiss Cissé spat at Jonny Evans. Horrible business altogether. No place in football. It's worse than a leg-breaking tackle. We could go on but Helen Lovejoy said it better than we ever could:

Legions of kids running around with Jonny Evans on the back of their shirts will now think that spitting like their idol is an acceptable part of life. It's not. The level of spitting in football has been in serious decline since it's heyday in 1990. Evans and Cisse are the most apparent evidence of that. Here's our detailed analysis of the incident.

Enjoy, because Jonathan Wilson has already been in touch about adding this to the next edition of 'Inverting The Pyramid'.

Grade: Must try harder. D-

He gets some credit for the classic, 'I was spitting at the ground and he was in the way' defence. However, other than that it's weak. There's no belief there, you can see that he regrets it straight away.

Grade: Shocking attempt. F

The finesse of a Rottweiler trying to dry hump a Jack Russell. There's nothing commendable about this at all. Right in his face and completely reactionary. It has to be thought out, planned, intelligent.


Cisse had none of this. He's already apologised and rightly so. He's shamed his family for generations to come.


Now let's see how it should be done.

Grade: A solid effort. B


The first of two world famous hoiks. Just look at the consistency and density of it. You can barely see anything in that picture but you can see the spit. Seriously, there's about ten pixels in there and at least two of them are made up of spit.

On the run, Rijkaard judged the wind factor to perfection and let it fly. It connected and before Voller, or the referee knew anything, he was gone. Waiting to strike again, and soon.

Grade: The most famous gob in sporting history. A+


Look at that thing. Like a falcon in flight. It actually has wings.

The target's back is turned. Look at the concentration on his face. There's a knowing confidence here that what leaves his mouth is going where it's supposed to.

Then there's the landing. Voller's perm is like a spider's web and the falcon is now a fly destined to become trapped (sorry, these analogies are becoming very weak). Unconfirmed reports suggest the German is still suffering PTSD and touches the back of his hair when he sleeps.


In all seriousness though, spitting is fecking horrible so don't do it kids. Unless it gets stuck in someone perm, then it's hilarious.


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