If Footballers Were Biscuits, What Type Would They Be?

If Footballers Were Biscuits, What Type Would They Be?

Footballers as biscuits: biscuits, like footballers, have their own unique characteristics. They serve different purposes, are used in varied ways. So we decided to put together a list of a few footballers that share some of the characteristics we see in our biscuits.

NB: Bear in mind when reading this that the best way to enjoy a good biscuit, most of us can agree, is with a nice cup of tea.

Rich tea: Gareth Barry

Incredibly boring. Just does nothing. Generally speaking, has neither a negative nor a positive impact on your day. Fills a hole but causes no great excitement - nor, it must be said, massive disappointment, because you know what you're getting. Occasionally thrills on a big occasion when no-one else is stepping up to the plate (i.e. your mum's down visiting, there's no other biscuits in the cupboard and it isn't pay day for another week).

Not sure if old people have a weird love of Gareth Barry, so there's one difference there.

Digestive: Glenn Whelan


Does a solid job nearly every time. Does what is required without ever being spectacular, without ever blowing anyone away, but an entirely respectable performer. A safe and conservative bet if you've got tricky, unpredictable opponents/guests arriving.

Chocolate digestive: Toni Kroos

Does everything the previous entry does, only far better and with a layer of sweet class. Capable, however, of being upset by its slightly inferior copycat, if the conditions are right.

Custard cream: Michael Carrick


Serious crunch at the outset, but once in the centre a softer, lighter and generally more calming presence. Also generally appreciated somewhat by most people without ever being referred to as truly world class.

Ginger nut: Paul Scholes

Does this really need any further explaining?

Chocolate chip cookie: Dimitar Berbatov


footballers as biscuits

At times (think M&S cookies) can be truly mindblowing. On other occasions, can be right down near the Rich Tea's level. Universally acknowledged to be capable of truly breathtaking feats - but can struggle in wet conditions.

Jammy Dodger: Marouane Fellaini

footballers as biscuits

Just mind-blowingly jammy.

Shortbread: Darren Fletcher


footballers as biscuits

Surprises me every time. Never expect to be particularly blown away - and rarely am I - but by the same token there is hardly any time when I haven't been impressed by this consistently performing, respected and timeless Scottish gem.

Jaffa Cake: Theo Walcott

footballers as biscuits

Brilliant, undoubtedly, and gives pleasure to millions with said brilliance. But at the same time is generally agreed to be a bit soft - and can also struggle in wet conditions (though not always, surprisingly, given that you'd think it would be a completely disastrous combination).

Twix: Lionel Messi

footballers as biscuits

Just the best. Magical almost beyond belief. Causes a variety of reactions, from sighs to smiles to bodily contortions. Anyone lucky enough to be able to appreciate such beauty is at peace with the world and with themselves, lost in simple pleasure.

Disclaimer: we acknowledge that some readers may not agree that Twixes are biscuits, and that others may feel aggrieved that we have left out some of their favourite biscuits/footballers from this list. We are happy to receive suggestions for the latter; as for the former, cure your rage by having a cup of tea and a Twix. You won't care about categorisations when you're halfway through that beauty.

SEE ALSO: Gerrard Says Rangers Winger Will Never Play For Club Again After Ballymena Incident

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