• Home
  • /
  • Football
  • /
  • Who Wins The Ireland Vs England #PlaceNameXI Showdown?

Who Wins The Ireland Vs England #PlaceNameXI Showdown?

Balls Team
By Balls Team
Share this article

During the week, Stuart Dallas emerged onto the Anfield pitch for Leeds United which provoked a thought...

And thanks to the multiple responses on Twitter and an intense brainstorming session at Balls HQ, we came together with a place name themed eleven for both Ireland and England in order to find out who truly reigns superior.

As usual in any Ireland/England battle, we're fighting way above our weight, and would surely go into the hypothetical battle of the ages as strong favourites.

Be sure to let us know on Twitter or Facebook as to who you think has the superior side, or if we've missed anyone.


An extremely analytical breakdown of the two teams is included below -



Goalkeeper - Lee Camp

Behind enemy lines: Lee Camp was born in Derby but through the 'surname' rule is selected between the sticks for Ireland. The former QPR shot-stopper shares his name with the small village of Camp located in west Kerry.


Having spent an entire year playing for Northern Ireland, it is quite obvious that Lee Camp has the pre-requisite understanding of the island needed to thrive in this team.


Left Back - Kerry Mayo

Born four days prior to the 1977 All-Ireland football championship final, it is no wonder that the Mayo family decided to name their child after a footballing powerhouse. It may have been wise for them to choose Kerry as Dublin Mayo sounds like an ingredient on a Leo Burdock's menu.



Central Defender - Dion Dublin

Dion Dublin takes time from producing mediocre afternoon television shows for the BBC to return to his roots as a commanding centre-back. God knows if he stayed there for the entirety of his career, we would have a lot less "Shay Given is the only Irish player..." jokes going around.

Right Back - Tyrone Mings

Battling injury since his arrival at Bournemouth, Tyrone Mings has played as many Premier League games since June 2015 as Tyrone have won Ulster championships. Nevertheless, he gets into the Irish squad with little competition for a place at right back.

Central Midfield - Shaun Derry

You can envision the match as Shaun Derry squares up to an opposition midfielder following a wreckless challenge only to receive a red card but refuses to leave the pitch without one last parting statement. He turns around and menacingly looks at the - place named - referee, Hugh Dallas in the eyes, vehemently calling him a "bag of shit".


Central Midfield - Jack Cork

Jack Cork appears to be quite the humble player, making it somewhat ironic to share his name with the Rebel  County. Either way it would have been the perfect opportunity to play with his father - Alan Cork - but we took that opportunity away. Admittedly, it would have been quite the moment.

Right Midfield - Neil Kilkenny

Neil Kilkenny only adds to the abundance of Leeds United players on this list as the Lancanshire club were once the hotbed for producing place named players - which in turn was one of the contributing factors for their demise.


Having represented Ireland at underage level, pulling on the green jersey - hypothetical or not - won't be an unusual feeling for the Australian international.

Attacking Midfield - Stephen Ireland

How could you ever have a team of players named after places in Ireland without the countries namesake? It may be a glaringly obvious inclusion but it remains the only way the Stoke midfielder will don the green shirt again.

Left Midfield - Paul Doolin

Without the existence of  Doolin, County Clare, the team would be struggling for the player/manager it is screaming out for. We're forever indebted to the quaint village. You can envision the RTÉ panel post game as Eamon Dunphy declares that the country was crying out for a "street footballer" like Doolin for some time.

Forward - Ian Rush

Rumour has it that a young child in North County Dublin once turned to his friend, wiping the remains of his drink from his upperlip and declared that "Ian Rush said if I don't drink lots of mik that when I grow up, I'll only be good enough to play for St.Maurs GAA club".

Regardless of the Welshman's misinformed views on gaelic football, we're fortunate to have him plying his trade up front.

Forward - Chris Sutton


Nottingham born but now adopted by the Northside as it's an all Dublin-related affair up-front as Sutton partners with Rush. There will be little room for drama in the Irish dressing room as Sutton has built-up a level of intolerance when it comes to bullshit in recent years.



Goalkeeper - Neville Southall

Yet another Welshman to feature in the game, sharing his name with the London suburb of Southall.

While the FA may have been formed in the other side of the capital, Southall may have the riteful claim as the ‘footballing mecca’ having been the birthplace of Les Ferdinand and filming location of ‘Bend It Like Beckham’.

Right Back - James 'Jay' Chester

It should go without saying but England will be playing four-four-fucking-two. That being said, James Chester will have to play on the right side in what appears to be a rather uncontested position in place named football. It should be noted he adopted the name 'Jay' for logistical purposes.

Central Defender - Jack Charlton

How could you, Jack? After all those fond memories together, you betray us on the grandest stage of them all. Sharing his surname with the London surburb Charlton qualifies to play an instrumental role in defence. Expect him to revert to the purest form of football by hoofing the ball up to the attackers.

Central Defender - Clarke Carlisle

Officially 'Britain's Brainiest Footballer' but unfortunately did not have the smarts to link up with Roddy Collins at Carlisle United during the pomp of his career. It most definitely would have had no positive impact on his playing career but brought joy to neutrals nonetheless.

Left Back - Mike England

Yet we can take solace in the fact that Mike England played for...Wales? For feck sake. Just as it looked like Stephen Ireland would have a place name counterpart. Either way, he will be unfazed by the big occasion having won the inaugural UEFA cup and managing his country to a famous 4-1 win over England in footballs spiritual home of Wrexham.

Right Midfield - Ian Bermingham

After much consulatation with the footballing governing body, it was decided that the St.Patricks Athletic midfielder could qualify under the ‘homophone’ ruling, allowing him to cross the divide.

Central Midfield - Lincoln

Those of you who have spent countless hours of your life scouring South America for talent on Football Manager may be already familiar with the Brazilian youngster.

Presumably, his parents spun the globe, landed on the East Midlands and chose an area.  To be fair, Nottingham Henrique Oliveira dos Santos does not quite have the same ring to it.

Central Midfield - Reece Oxford

What is there to say about Reece Oxford apart from the fact that he shares his name with a famous university town and a not so famous football club? At 17, he now holds the title as both West Ham and Place Name England's youngest player.

Left Midfield - Bobby Charlton

You can't have one without the other. The real challenge lies with trying to tempt Charlton from his perch at Old Trafford but who can deny the cries of those below for "one more game".

It allows the midfielder another chance to allow the stars to align as they did in 1956 when Bobby Charlton made his debut against Charlton Atheltic.

Forward - Matt Derbyshire

It doesn't seem all that long ago that every defender in the country was fearing for their careers as they looked up to see Roque Santa Cruz and Matt Derbyshire standing before them. Much has changed for the Englishman since his glory days as he now plays in the Cypriot league where he leads the line with none other than our very own Cillian Sheridan.

Forward - Dwight Yorke

Another cheeky inclusion but totally within the rules of the game - see Bermingham above. Having participated in the most amount of World Cup tournaments in history, it won't take much to get Yorke back in action for the game that's never going to happen.

Even if it was at Ireland's expense, just think how great it would be to see that pearly white smile on the football pitch.

Once again, if there are any glaring omissions we've missed or if you have suggestions for other place name themed squads then fire them over to us on either our Twitter or Facebook page.

We're looking forward to hearing what you come up with!



Join The Monday Club Have a tip or something brilliant you wanted to share on? We're looking for loyal Balls readers free-to-join members club where top tipsters can win prizes and Balls merchandise

Processing your request...

You are now subscribed!

Share this article

Copyright © 2024. All rights reserved. Developed by Square1 and powered by PublisherPlus.com