Football

Theo Walcott Dragged Post-Match Interviews To Farcical New Depths Last Night

Theo Walcott Dragged Post-Match Interviews To Farcical New Depths Last Night

If you're partial to recording Match of the Day on Saturday night and watching it later, how often do you not fast-forward through post-match interviews?

They've become one of football's most pointless excercises; 45 seconds of tight-lipped, vacuous statements from athletes understandably terrified of seeing their names in a headline the following morning (sorry, Theo). One slip up, or one bad word about a referee or oppostion, and you've gone viral on football Twitter and probably earned yourself a stern bollocking from your manager. It's a wonder these players don't run a mile when Geoff Shreeves or Jonathan Pearce emerge from the shadows of a stadium.

It seems we continue the charade on a ritualistic basis, and on the off-chance that something interesting might be said; Ander Herrera, as a rare example, has a lot to answer for in that regard. But the honest-to-God Man United midfielder's crusade to Make Post-Match Interviews Great Again suffered a hammer blow on Match of the Day 2 last night.

Speaking at the end of a week in which he became a father for the first time, Theo Walcott - who gleefully celebrated his goal in Arsenal's 3-1 win over Bournemouth with Bebeto's famous 'cradle' celebration - was asked about the birth of his child.

Seemingly terrified that he'd fuck up perhaps the easiest question he'll ever be asked after a football match, Walcott responded:

It's been a long process, we've had the baby now, so hopefully we can move on as a family.

Incredible.

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How thrilled baby Walcott will be in the coming years to discover they amounted to little more than a new signing from the Royal London Hospital.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Walcott will name the baby, 'I'm Just Pleased I Could Help The Team, The Most Important Thing Is That We Picked Up The Three Points'. All we know for sure is that nine months ago, Arsenal's 27-year-old winger put it in the corridor of uncertainty. He asked the question. And this week, he reaped the rewards.

In fairness to Walcott, his celebration alone depicted a man thrilled by a monumental week in his life. But if post-match interviews are sucking the joy even from becoming a first-time parent, it does beg the question why we bother with them at all.

Gavan Casey
Article written by
Former handwriting champion. Was violently bitten by a pelican at Fota Wildlife Park in 2001.

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