The Balls.ie A-Z Of Transfer Window Bollocks

The Balls.ie A-Z Of Transfer Window Bollocks
By Eoin Lyons
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With the transfer deadline only nine days away the rumour mill is cranking up a gear, which means that transfer window jargon will be at an all time high. In order to keep abreast of all the lingo, Balls have devised an A-Z guide to transfer window bullshit.

AWOL/Audacious

Real Madrid launch audacious bid as Chelsea star goes AWOL. AWOL could mean anything from being on holidays in Crete to being down the local Lidl to being flown by chopper for clandestine talks with their next club. You just never know.

Breaking

Breaking is a word you hear a lot when big transfer activity occurs. Unfortunately, it's one you hear a lot when there's not so big transfer news happens.

Come and get me plea

Issued by want-away players to potential suitors, a come and get me plea goes hand in hand with a transfer request.

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Deadline Day/Derisory Offer

Deadline day is an apocalypse of sorts as numerous clubs scrabble to get deals over the line, it is also coincidentally a setting for many derisory offers as clubs play chicken with each other at the eleventh hour.

Emergency loan

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Emergency loans only ever concern goalkeepers, with the subject of an emergency loan usually being a 40-year-old goalie with bad knees and one cap at underage level.

Flattered

Footballers will constantly be flattered by any reported interest. This is a step up from keen, and should be met with suspicion by their current employer.

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Gazump

A club could pip a rival to a player, but why do that when you can Gazump them?

Hell bent/ Hijack

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Bordeaux winger Malcolm was hell bent on a move to Barcelona which led to the Catalans from hijacking the deal from Roma.

ITK

'In the knows' vary from budding journalists to random lad on a computer. Avoid if possible.

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Jettison/Jet

Unfortunate individuals are sometimes jettisoned from their respective clubs, whilst coveted players will jet in to a club in order to put pen to paper on a deal.

Keen

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A player can be keen on a move without angling for a switch. The most benign form of a player pushing for a move.

Launch

You can submit a bid and you can table a bid but if you're feeling particularly spicy you can LAUNCH a bid. N.B. Bids are usually launched audaciously.

Monitoring/Marquee signing

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Monitoring is a very low key way of pursuing a player, with many clubs said to be monitoring thousands of players at any given time. Marquee signings are big name signings that arrive at a club to much fanfare, but oddly no marquee.

Net spend

Used as a trophy of sorts, with fans of less successful clubs pointing to how shrewd they are in the transfer window.

Overhaul

Squad overhauls are a common occurrence during the summer months.

Pole Position/Put pen to paper

Pole position is a highly coveted place in football transfer parlance, with targets very close to putting pen to paper if a club finds themselves in that enviable position.

Queue

Clubs will form a metaphysical queue for a desired player, with the order of that queue subject to change at any given time.

Red Alert

According to legend in each football club's reception is a big red light, that will flash whenever a desired player becomes available. This is known as a red alert.

S.O.S./Sky Sources/Showdown talks/ Standoff/Swoop/Saga

Sky Sources report that showdown talks are set to take place between X and Y following a contract standoff. Z is believed to be monitoring the situation and may swoop after X's S.O.S.

Transfer Merry-Go-Round

This may sound fun, but it's actually quite tedious.

Undisclosed fee believed to be in the region of

Clubs will sometimes agree a deal for a player for an 'undisclosed fee believed to be in the region of' and then roughly what price the deal is.

Vacant/Very Happy

A lot of things in football can be vacant, a managerial position, a number 10 shirt, and Wayne Rooney's expression. When a player says he is very happy at his club, it's usually the death knell for his spell. Used in conjunction with being flattered by interest

War chest/Wheeler Dealer

A war chest is an unspecific massive amount of money, but it is widely held that a war chest should at least be £100 million to be considered such. Wheeler dealers on the other hand make do with paltry amounts of money, and wholly abhor war chests.

X-factor

It is imperative that any team wishing to challenge for the Champions League places have a player with the X factor. These footballers are extremely hard to come by though.

Yellow

Yellow is the colour of silly season, with Sky Sports covering as much  of the screen as possible with an eye catching 'yield' sign yellow, because whether Alex Witsel does indeed join Borussia Dortmund from Tianjin Quanjian is more important than anything going on in your own futile existence.

Zombification

The process which occurs from the consumption of too much transfer gossip.

See Also: Chelsea, Man City and Man United Players In Breach Of Contract After World Cup Return

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