Le King has spoken...again.
In the latest entry to his hugely entertaining video monologue series for Eurosport, the outspoken Manchester United icon - and self-declared 'Commissioner of Football' - has taken names in his admonishment of modern football.
The 50-year-old Frenchman cuts an exasperated figure, cutting down some of football's biggest names and controversies with stylish ease. Quite frankly, given a scandal-hit, bombastic year for the sport, it's refreshing to see a man who made the game look simple figuratively flip the bird at all of the nonsensical developments which piss us all off on a daily basis. Figures who come under fire from the great man include Mario Balotelli and FIFA chief Gianni Infantino, who Cantona asks to "stop being such a fucking baby". You can see that and more in the full video below, but here is a transcription of some of our personal highlights:
Ah, Football Leaks... Take some big names, big numbers, put them in the papers and deliver it to the mob justice.
It's funny how we think that football players - because they make a lot of money and we idolise them - should be more exemplary. Whether you want it or not, football can only ever be a reflection of our society. If we allow big multinational corporations to do tax optimisation, and the banks to encourage tax evasion, we cannot blame football business [for using] the same loopholes.
It is not a moral debate, it is a legal one. If it is not legal to do it, punish them. Fine, but all of them. If it's legal and we don't like it, let's change the law. It's up to our politicians to grow some balls and get down to it. I'm not very optimistic it will change any time soon.
Cantona also indirectly referenced Mario Balotelli's recently-revealed contractual revelations while having a pop at football agents and player bonuses:
Agents and lawyers can be very, very creative when it comes to players' contracts - and bonuses.
One million euro if he doesn't spit more than twice a season on his opponent. Ha! Come on! He's a football player - he's not a fucking llama!
If 2016 has taught us anything it's that we should never say 'never', but it's probably fair to suggest Cantona will never be appointed manager of the England national team. He acknowledges as much in his typically charismatic rant, but also uses the death of his own 'dream' to cheekily call out a few high-profile footballers for their frowned-upon tax affairs:
...today I, Eric Cantona, officially declare my candidacy for the job of manager of the British Virgin Islands. I can already count on three of their most famous tax residents to join the team: Ronaldo, Di Maria, Pastore... And [that's] just the start!
And, just before he calls out FIFA and goes off on a weird, Game of Thrones-Winter Olympic tangent, he makes sure to leave a parting blow on Pep Guardiola's Manchester City - or more pertinently their leaky defence - accusing them of resembling a recent internet craze in their current form:
Oh, by the way, if someone can tell Manchester City's defence to stop the Mannequin Challenge. That's it, guys. We got the joke! Eight goals conceded in three matches... You can start moving again. Claudio! Bravo!
'Content' may not be for everyone, but this is thoroughly enjoyable stuff by Cantona and the Eurosport digital team. 'The Commissioner' has never been afraid to make the big calls, but he's at his superlative best here:
Winter is coming – so, naturally, Eric Cantona has dressed up as Jon Snow! pic.twitter.com/bLm3oVZeYg
— Eurosport UK (@Eurosport_UK) December 15, 2016