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Utterly Mad Study Has Put Wayne Rooney Among The Fastest Footballers In The World

Utterly Mad Study Has Put Wayne Rooney Among The Fastest Footballers In The World
By Gavin Cooney Updated
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Who are the fastest footballers in the world? 

If you listen to Mexican club CF Pachua, then the tenth-fastest footballer with the ball at his feet on the planet is Wayne Rooney. Rooney! The man of the pachydermal touch. The man who has been shambling around football pitches for eighteen months as if the marrow in his bones has been replaced with mercury. The man of the cheeky cigarettes on holiday. The man of the red wine-stained lips. Wayne Rooney.

The club have listed the top ten players who are quickest while dribbling, with the Man United captain sneaking in at number 10. Perhaps this is a bit of PR and eyelash-fluttering in a bid to have Rooney sign for them next season?

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Because other than Rooney's preposterous inclusion, the list seems relatively bang on.

Gareth Bale tops the list, having clocked 36.9 km/h with the ball at his feet. (It looks pretty much certain that Bale will be eating up the Aviva Stadium's turf in this time, by the way, as he should be fit for the crunch World Cup qualifier on March 24th).

Second is Colombian Orlando Berrio, and in third is the gloriously named Jurgen Damm, a Mexican footballer who once plied his trade with Pachua. United's Antonio Valencia is fourth, with Dortmund's Aubameyang fifth, Aaron Lennon 6th, ahead of Ronaldo, Walcott, Messi and Rooney in that order. Rooney! Here are the respective speeds...

Who are the fastest footballers in the world? 

  1. Gareth Bale - 36.9 km/h
  2. Orlando Berrio - 36 km/h
  3. Jurgen Damm - 35.23 km/h
  4. Antonio Valencia - 35.10 km/h
  5. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang - 34.6 km/h
  6. Aaron Lennon - 33.8 km/h
  7. Cristiano Ronaldo - 33.6 km/h
  8. Theo Walcott - 32.7 km/h
  9. Lionel Messi - 32.5 km/h
  10. Wayne Rooney - 31.2 km/h

So there you go. Sadio Mané, Lucas Moura, Neto Berola, Hector Bellerin.... better luck next year.

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