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Ageing GAA Player Now Officially More Deep Heat Than Man

Ageing GAA Player Now Officially More Deep Heat Than Man
By Eoin Lyons Updated

Scientists are astounded by Cork Junior B Footballer Dennis Flynn, after extensive tests revealed that the ageing GAA player is now 56% muscle therapy cream 'Deep Heat'. Hematology expert Dr. Vincent Walsh was astounded by the results:

In my 30 years in the medical profession I have never seen the like of it. The fact that the man is even alive when over half of his constitution is 'Deep Heat' is a miracle. The lad should be in a freak show, and I say that as a doctor.

Flynn had started applying the product after complaining that his hip 'felt a little gammy'. After feeling some slight improvement in his injury Flynn then applied it to his 'dodgy knee' his 'bad back' as well as his 'creaky elbow' which Flynn commented was 'giving him awful grief'.

Before long the Cork man was using 15 tubes of the cream everyday. He spoke to Balls.ie about his habit:

It started off innocent enough, me hip was giving trouble so I lathered some Deep Heat on it. A week later, it was much better. After that any little niggle I had I was turning to the Deep Heat .

But the occasional full forward warned that there were ups and downs to his gratuitous use of the topical cream:

Sure look, it's the same with anything. On the one hand full backs tend to give me a wide berth on account that they don't want to get suffocated by the smell, but then on the other hand the wife has left me. She couldn't hack the constant stink. It's swings and roundabouts really.

Deep Heat has been quick to jump on the opportunity, announcing a two year partnership with Flynn. A spokesman for Deep Heat said that the company was delighted to be associated with such a loyal and prolific user of their cream:

We are very proud to have Dennis as an ambassador for Deep Heat. He is a man that truly lives and breathes the product. No, seriously, if you walk up and smell his breath, it's literally Deep Heat. I'd almost be worried, to tell you the truth.

The great thing about Dennis is that he absorbs so much Deep Heat over the course of the day he acts like a bionic yankee candle, except instead of smelling like lavender or camomile he absolutely reeks to high heavens of Deep Heat. We've done tests, we've had people smell Dennis for up to half a mile away. You can't buy that sort of advertising.

When asked if it would be in everyone's interests for Mr. Flynn to simply hang up his boots the Corkman was steadfast in his rebuttal:

Oh God no, that won't be happening. Look, I've had broken fingers, dislocated shoulders, dengue fever, foot in mouth and I've even done me cruciate. You name it I've had it. I've come through all of those injuries and I'm still turning out for the parish. The only way I'm leaving the sport is in a casket.



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