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A Hater's Guide To The Rugby World Cup

A Hater's Guide To The Rugby World Cup
By John Dodge
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The Rugby World Cup is almost upon on us and for some it'll be the highlight of the sporting year. For others, its the worst part of every four year cycle. If you love rugby, this article isn't for you. Don't worry though, Balls has you covered and you can even sign up for our new Rugby World Cup Whatsapp group here.

If you're indifferent to the sport, or even hate it. Read on.

Did you know this thing lasts 6 weeks?!

Seriously. The Olympics last 2 weeks. The World Cup in football lasts 4 weeks. The Rugby World Cup lasts 43 days and includes 7 weekends. Many teams, including Ireland, won't play any midweek games even if they reach the final. That's way, way too long.

The bad teams are baaaaad

Japan have played in all 7 World Cups. They have one win. That was against Zimbabwe in Belfast in 1991 and Zimbabwe are not even good enough to qualify anymore Amongst the scores Japan have conceded are 145, 91, 83, 64, 57 and 50. And they're hosting the next tournament so you know they've a somewhat organised rugby culture.

Namibia meanwhile are looking for their 1st win in their 5th World Cup. They've also conceded over 80 multiple times and hold the record for the record defeat at 142-0. Just think how bad the teams that don't qualify are. This year England and Australia will play their reserves against Uruguay and both will still score 80.

The haka is the worst thing in sport



It's your international debut and you're playing the biggest team in the world. You've spent all week thinking about it and all morning preparing for it. You have yourself in the perfect frame of mind to attack this team from the start. You know it'll be the toughest game of your career but you're ready to hit the ground running. You'll just have to wait a minute while you're forced to stand there looking at grown men do a ceremonial dance. Get a grip New Zealand!

We know that 3 of the big 5 will definitely make the semi final


At least 3 of New Zealand, Australia, South Africa, England and France have made the semi finals for all 7 World Cups. That's including the 2 South Africa missed because of apartheid. In the professional era, only Argentina (2007) and Wales (2011) have sneaked in past those teams. Line them up this year too.

The team slogans are awful

Rugby World Cup and Twitter launched their hashtag emjois yesterday. Nearly all awful, here are some of the worst;

  • England - #CarryMeHome - You're at home lads
  • Georgia - #RugbyIsOurGame - It clearly isn't
  • Namibia - #OneNationOneTeam - as generic a hashtag as you can get
  • Scotland - #AsOne - As one. That's it. Suppose they're saving on characters anyway.
  • South Africa - #HomegroundAdvantage - They know this is in England, don't they?

Be ready for Ireland's heroic failure

You won't be allowed say it out loud but pretty much every sports fan knows it's coming. There's 10 countries in the world that play rugby professionally and all but Italy and Ireland have made the semi final at least once. Even Scotland and they're terrible.  We'll lose by a point to France and then get bashed by New Zealand in the quarter finals.

Ditch Sky for UPC

You might already have UPC or even Saorview but if you have Sky, get rid of it. The World Cup is being covered by ITV in the UK and won't be accessible to UPC customers. All they have to do is avoid TV3, which should be easy enough to do, and boom, 6 good weeks of rugby free TV.


This is not soccer!


Rugby snobs are insufferable. Only this week the Welsh rugby chief lamented "football culture" creeping in. Pretty much everything is compared to football. Even the NFL is laughably called rugby in pads by these lads.  In their minds the only sport a "real man" should play is one that involves rolling around on the floor and hugging.  Oh and eye gouging is fairly common too.



Any more to add here? Do let us know!

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