France and Toulon centre Mathieu Bastareaud has recounted how he tried to take his own life six years ago.
In a new autobiography titled 'Head High: Confessions Of A Terrible Child Of Rugby', Bastareaud explains how after a French tour to New Zealand in 2009 he attempted suicide.
It was a tour wrought with controversy for the player. He lied about being attacked by a group of five men while on a night out in Wellington following France's second test against the All Blacks that summer. Bastareaud concocted the lie after he hit his head on a hotel table while drunk.
Upon returning to France he began drinking heavily and after reading comments made about him on a website, he slit his veins with a knife.
I jumped up and walked to the kitchen. I took a big knife and slit my veins. I immediately collapsed on the floor, fainting.
My friends in the living room got it immediately. They saw the knife, the blood, and me lying on the floor, unconscious. They called emergency services immediately.
Bastareaud also recalls what was going though his mind at the time.
I don't know if I really wanted to die. I wanted to suffer. Suffer to punish myself.
When you hear everywhere all day long that you are just a loser, that you don't deserve to be there ... You try to keep a cool attitude but you begin to believe what people say ... I smiled in public but, as soon as I came back home, I was alone.
This how he describes that infamous night in Wellington.
Then, wanting to take off my clothes, I lose my balance. I stagger and, awkwardly, I collapse on the floor with all my weight. In my fall, I smash the room's night table.
The shock is terrible. I bleed a bit. It hurts. My left cheekbone is exploded. But overall, I panic.
With the assistance of a teammate, the team doctor was woken to provide the then 20-year-old with medical attention.
He asked me how I [got] this injury. I should have confessed I was drunk, but I'm not proud of my behaviour and I am afraid to face sanctions. I am a coward.
So, instead of telling the truth and trusting management, I am going to develop a lie that will have heavy consequences.
I'm not proud of myself. I have been dishonest, I lied, I betrayed guys.
If you, or anyone you know, has been affected by suicide you can contact the Samaritans on freephone 116 123.
More information is available on the Samaritans website.
Picture credit: Ramsey Cardy / SPORTSFILE
