"We should do something on Stranger Things season three being released on July 4th," I said. "You know, 'What if Stranger Things was set in Offaly?' or one of those types of articles," I said.
I presented that purely as an example of the type of thing we could come up with but within seconds the office had descended into the different permutations of Netflix's hit series being set in the likes of Edenderry instead of Hawkins. So, for absolutely no reason at all, here are 15 things that would happen if Stranger Things was set in Offaly.
1. Will would be missing for four days before anyone notices
This is rural Ireland in the 1980s, sure no one was paying any heed to where their kids were. Parents were too busy trying to put a bit of food on the table!
2. The Hawkins National Laboratory would be the Bord na Móna factory
I'm not sure why a factory that makes peat briquettes would be experimenting on kids with special powers but sure lookit...
Image: Peter Mooney
3. Eleven would develop an addiction to black pudding
Forget about Eggos, Eleven would develop an acute addiction to Rudd's pudding. And rightly so.
4. Her superpower would be her having the cure of something
Rather than telekinesis, Eleven would have a distinctly more Irish superpower, like the cure of the sprain or a cure of warts.
5. Winona Ryder would be replaced by Brenda Fricker
Sorry Winona but there's only one actress who can play an Irish mammy.
6. She'd be more worried about the phone not working than Will being missing
"Your Aunty Eileen will be thinking there's something wrong if I don't call her..."
7. Steve's weapon of choice would be a hurl
And he'd be better for it.
8. The kids would be playing The Game of Life instead of Dungeons and Dragons
There's not a hope that you'd find a gang of young Offaly lads playing Dungeons and Dragons in 1983. At best they'd be playing The Game of Life or something like that. It's actually probably more likely that they'd just be running round jumping on hay bales to pass the time.
9. Barbara would be taken by the The Demogorgon while out drinking in a field
A houseparty with a swimming pool? Are ye well!? No, Barbara would go missing while out drinking cans with her friends in a neighbour's field - or an abandoned shed at best.
10. When Eleven escapes to find her spiritual sister she ends up in Portlaoise
In what will by widely regarded as a terrible mistake, one episode will feature Eleven paying a visit to Loais.
12. The local farmers' spuds would rot
Actually this whole crop failure storyline would most likely be cut for the show. Pumpkin farmers in Offaly would be too far-fetched and as for potatoes, it's still to soon goddamnit!
13. The local priest would be brought in to excorcise the Mind Flayer from Will's body
A few decades of the rosary would sort that lad out.
14. Seamus Darby would be the one to successfuly close the gate
I mean, sure, Eleven may have telekinetic powers but let's not forget what Seamus Darby had done just two years previously. He was definitely man for the job!
15. The Upside Down would be better than Offaly
There'd be no struggle, The Upside Down would consume Offaly and everyone would live happily ever after.