The Rewind

How To Make A Decent Mug Of Tea, You Inconsiderate Prick

How To Make A Decent Mug Of Tea, You Inconsiderate Prick

Dear Person Who Makes Bad Tea,

How about you shut your mouth and listen for a second, you weak, milk-overdosed arsehole. The fact that you don't care enough about other people to put some effort into making a proper mug of tea shows you up for the pillock you truly are - a mongrel that chews at the tablecloth of etiquette.

Sit the fuck down and listen, because I'm about to tell you how you actually make a proper mug of tea.

Rule 1 - Using boiling water

One would imagine that this is fairly obvious but of course you're too incompetent to grasp this simple concept. 'Oh the kettle was boiled just a few minutes ago, sure that will be warm enough.' No it won't, you clout.

It needs to be caught just after boiling and, for the love of God, don't boil the same water that's been sitting in the kettle all day. Every time you boil that shit it releases more oxygen, causing a flat tasting tea. How can you not know this!?

Rule 2 - Use a proper mug

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Piss off with your cups. I'm not a fucking hobbit. My fingers will not fit in these tiny Alice in Wonderland handles, Lewis Carroll. Secondly, when selecting a mug don't go for some oversized piece of crap or a mug that looks like's been chopped off a mantelpiece.

These are acceptable.

These are not.

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The bottom mug will make cold tea, devoid of personality so don't @ me, saying it looks lovely MOTHER!

Rule 3 - Use premium teabags (or loose tea if you're really great)

If you buy knock-off teabags from a shop you may as well stomp on the Irish Declaration of Independence and boil it, because that will taste better, quite frankly.

Lastly, while on the topic, reusing a tea bag will result in you being deported to the outer reaches of the universe, where you will leave out the remaining seconds of your life silently screaming while your big innocent head swells to the size of a hot air balloon, before your insides implode into nothing.

Rule 4 - Don't put the milk and sugar in first

You Brit!

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Rule 5 - Ask how strong the person likes it

You don't make someone tea the way you want it, you make it the way they want it. It's that simple. If you want weak tea then you are subhuman but I will still make you that slop because I am not an inconsiderate prick, like you.

For what it's worth, the correct strength for a mug of tea is one that is left to sit for three minutes, with enough milk to turn it to a brown envelope colour. Nothing more, nothing less. Again, if you want a whole pile of milk on yours I will do that for you but I will also simultaneously chastise you for being a halfwit.

Rule 6 - Don't squeeze the shite out of the teabag

This is an aspect of tea strength that merits its own rule. If someone likes strong tea that means you leave it sit and let the goddamn thing draw, you ninnyhammer. You do not squeeze the bag within an inch of its life. The result will be hard tea that is tangier than gone-off orange juice.

Other guidelines:

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- Use a teapot for extra points
- Don't make tea in an all black mug. It will leave it impossible to judge the tea's strength.
- Don't stir tea with a sugar-doused spoon
- Heat the mug first if you want to actually make top quality tea
- Always make a full mug of tea. Never half fill it
- Never, and I mean NEVER, put tea in the microwave.

Now that I have established this guidelines for you, there is no reason that your tiny brain cannot rustle up enough intellectual nous to make a proper mug of tea. It's not that difficult, dipshit.

Yours sincerely,

Society.

See Also: If Footballers Were Biscuits, What Type Would They Be?

Mark Farrelly
Article written by
Balls Media Audience Development Manager. Former Miss World 1997 contestant.

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