We here at Balls towers know that there is little more humiliating than suffering a FIFA defeat to your friend heavy enough to warrant the posting of a public facebook apology. The humbled FIFA player is but a paltry thing.
We also know that this is insult enough without the added injury of your lack of creativity being exposed in a fierce struggle to actually think of something unique to write to accompany the grovelling apology.
So we have decided to help, by introducing the Irish Football Guide To Writing A FIFA Facebook Apology. Here, some of the eminent names in Irish football offer their opinions on how the writing of a FIFA Facebook apology should be approached.
John Delaney: You should refuse not to take your humiliating defeat lying down. It was clearly wrong for your opponent to select the ‘Turn Handballs Off’ option in the pre-game menu. You may be beaten, but you must refuse to be bowed. Restore your pride. Confront your opponent, ask him for a replay. If denied, let him/her know exactly what you think of him/her. Don’t be afraid to throw a few expletives in here and there. Post it on facebook subtly, perhaps slip it into a comment thread.
Roy Keane: You have been defeated by five goals? A disgrace. Question the commitment of the other players, particularly the computer controlled goalkeeper. He should really have held that long distance shot, rather than divert it into the path of the opponent’s onrushing striker to tap into an empty net.
Eamon Dunphy: You should not be surprised you’ve been beaten so convincingly. In comparison to some other Irish sportspeople, you are an embarrassment. Acknowledge in your apology that were this Gaelic Games Football, Jonah Lomu Rugby or the as of yet curiously unlicensed Tony McCoy Virtual Racing, you wouldn’t be writing this apology. The other great sportspeople of these games would not be beaten so easily, and your pitiful computer generated players do not belong in their company. Write your shoddy apology.
Giovanni Trapattoni: Top tip: don’t write your apology in English. Thus your apology is likely to not receive as much attention as it should.
Mick McCarthy: This apology should not be your responsibility. What more could you do? You can only control one player at once, and even the game’s new tackling mechanics and animations are no match for the innovative tactic of pressing L1 + Triangle simultaneously. Your initials stand for Mick McCarthy, not Merlin the Magician. [This Tip Is Disappointingly Esoteric - Ed]
Gary Breen: You were always doomed to lose this game, judging by your team selection. You were missing approximately eleven of me. Write the apology and move on, it is nothing but an instance of reality asserting itself.
Disclaimer: These views may not be representative of the actual views of the people above. Although we are sure that everyone would agree to the idea of a team of Gary Breens.