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Rod Stewart For Celtic? Here's How Other Champions Have To Up The Ante Post Bocelli

Rod Stewart For Celtic? Here's How Other Champions Have To Up The Ante Post Bocelli
By Conor Neville Updated

Things have, of course, changed utterly after last Saturday. These things called 'predictions' have been rendered redundant and many otherwise eloquent people are struggling to convey the magnitude of what has happened. Many are failing to get it across properly.

For instance, a BBC newsreader informed us that Leicester had been 'written off' at the start of the season.

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That implies there was some group of people sitting around pondering the possibility of Leicester winning the League, and who deliberated over the matter for a brief period before dismissing it.

No one was holding any such debates at the start of the season. We don't live in such a world. Such an idea could not have entered someone's head.

But that was then and we are in a new arena now. The man from Adidas was right when he said 'impossible is nothing'.

Ever since Andrea Bocelli whipped off his jacket to reveal his King Power shirt last Saturday, it's been clear that future title winners are going to have to up their game in the celebration department. No more will it just be sufficient to invite their wives and girlfriends and little tykes on-field for a parade at the end.


We'll have to see a full Super Bowl style performance from now on. Here are some performers that other leading clubs need to be thinking about.


Chas & Dave and the Russian pop duo Tatu


A lovely scene at Stamford Bridge as Chelsea celebrate the title with an idiosyncratic melding of the old and new.

Chas & Dave represent the old Chelsea, the club of Kerry Dixon and Denis Wise and the shitty running track and that car that was inexplicably stationed in the corner of the stadium.

Russian pop duo TATU represent the expensively modern Chelsea, the Chelsea that allegedly have no history.




Mick Hucknall introduced by Jimmy Nesbitt


Mick Hucknall's ardent support of Manchester United is one of the factoids that everybody knows. Far more people know this than know any of his songs. A United title win, if we ever live to see another, will be the perfect opportunity to introduce a generation of Japanese kids to his music.

He will be introduced to the crowd by master of ceremonies, Jimmy Nesbitt.

Anyone who watches the HBO sitcom Veep will know what we mean when we say that Jimmy Nesbitt is increasingly becoming a kind of Gary Walsh to Alex Ferguson's Selina Meyer.



Fog on the Tyne, 1990

Newcastle will celebrate their Premier League title by wheeling out a big screen and showing Paul Gascoigne performance of 'Fog on the Tyne' on Top of the Pops in 1990.



Rod Stewart feat. John Delaney

Celtic's greatest fan will serenade the fans with his version of some great songs. After he's tired, FAI Chief John Delaney will step forward to appeal to the fans more tribal instincts. This will likely cause a major scandal. Peter Lawell will vow never to bring him back.


Morrissey singing Roy's Keen

Should the Republic of Ireland win the Euros, we believe that Robbie Keane will be able to persuade his cousin Steven Patrick Morrissey to bang out a rendition of his late '90s hit 'Roy's Keen'.



Old video recording of Christy Hennessy singing the Rose of Mooncoin

As soon as the final whistle blows at Croke Park these days, the tannoy blares out a hoary old ballad from the winning county, lest we have more than eight seconds of authentic crowd noise once the entertainment is over.

In fact, in the modern era, the full-time whistle has been effectively replaced by the Rose of Mooncoin as the primary means of bringing the All-Ireland hurling final to a close.


Beady Eye and Noel Gallagher's Flying Birds

In the future when Manchester City properly begin to capitalise on their financial dominance, they will alternate between using Beady Eye and Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds for their title winning performances. There will be surely enough big cups won for them to deliver plenty of big shows.


The La's

If they're happy to accept any song other than 'You'll Never Walk Alone' on this famous day. Not only are they Liverpool lads but their most famous single dates back to Kenny Dalglish's first period as Liverpool football manager.


No singing but a ready, steady cook off featuring Delia Smith, Jamie Oliver and Fern Britten 

Alternatively, Delia can just grab the microphone and give a rendition of her hit song (released halfway through the title winning season) 'Let's Be Havin' Ya', which is sung to the tune of Alexei Sayle's 'Ullo' John, Got A New Motor'.


Glenn Hoddle

Glenn Hoddle has never sung on television without the comfort blankett of Chris Waddle there beside him. If Spurs win the title, Glenn will have to bound down from the Sky box and blast out his 1987 hit 'Diamond Light' unaccompanied by any mullet wearing wingers.



Tina Turner

For whatever reason, Tina Turner's song 'Simply the Best' has been adopted as something of a club anthem at Ibrox. We have no idea. The general perception is this it is by a distance the most politically correct song sung in the ground.


Sultans of Ping FC

Ardent Cork City fans and purveyors of football themed lyrics, they are the only choice when Cork City win the League. Give them a microphone and a yard of a makeshift stage.



Johnny Logan singing 'Hold me Now'

As far as we know, Bohemians' fans appreciation of 'Hold me Now' predates Johnny's appreciation of Bohemians Football Club and may even be the sole reason for it.


Saw Doctors songs sung by actual Mayo lads (Be it Louis Walsh's tykes or Enda Kenny)

Louis Walsh will have to rustle a band of clean cut looking young men from north of Milltown to blast out 'The Green and Red of Mayo'. The Saw Doctors are sadly too associated with Mayo's main Connacht rivals to perform on such an occasion.

If Louis doesn't get it down or his schedule doesn't permit, it will be incumbent upon the Taoiseach to grab the mic and break into song in the manner of Joe McDonagh and Mick Byrne in years past.


James McClean

An audio tape recording of James McClean singing the 'Broad Black Brimmer' in a crowded pub. Low quality audio but a moving testimony to what his home club means to him.

Read more: Prove You're A True Fan By Taking The Ultimate Irish Football Quiz


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