The Shaquille O'Neal interview in this month's Vanity Fair is nothing short of spectacular.
Here's a selection
When you finally hang up your gigantic jersey, what’s your ideal post-basketball career?
Something in TV or radio would be my first option. Then maybe writing books or public speaking. And I’ve always had an interest in law enforcement.
You want to be a cop?
I do, yes. I was just offered a chief of police job somewhere, which I can’t talk about, but I had to turn it down. I’m a volunteer or honorary policeman in a couple of different states. I have a badge in Arizona, Florida, and California.
So you could totally arrest me right now?
I could. But trust me, you wouldn’t want me to. You really, really don’t. If I’m in your living room, you know you’re in trouble.
That’s the understatement of the year.
I’m not kidding.
Neither am I.
As long as you stay on the right side, you’ll be fine. For the last seven years, I’ve been a detective for Internet crimes against children. So if you ever see me, you know we’ve got you. If we come to your house, it’s all over. You’re going to be arrested. You’ve been having Internet conversations with me, and we’ve got all the evidence we need to take you down.
What’s your arrest catchphrase?
My catchphrase? Like a motto?
What do you say when you’re roughing up a perp? “On the floor, dirtbag!” “Book 'em, Danno!” That kind of thing.
Well, uh. (Long pause.) My job is to be a little girl.
Come again?
I play a little girl on the Internet. So whatever name I’m going by, that will probably be my catchphrase. If I’m Tanya, then it’ll be something like, “Tanya says hello.” And they’ll be like, “Tanya who?” And I’ll say, “You don’t know no Tanya, huh? I’m Tanya. Let’s go.” And that’s when the cuffs get slapped on you.
I’d be less concerned with the handcuffs than the fact that a seven foot bald man just introduced himself as Tanya.
(Laughs.) Yeah, they don’t like that very much.
When you’re going undercover, how do you get into character? How does Shaq become a little girl named Tanya?
You just have to speak the language.
So… the same way you befriended Justin Bieber?
It’s all about understanding how they talk. You gotta know about texting and Twittering and all the Internet slang, all the OMGs and LOLs. All that stuff.
Everyone's a scared of Shaq
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