The latest missive from Laurence Heytesbury..
What emotion am I meant to feel when I see that poster of Tony Cascarino in his pants? I bet when he fudged his passport application twenty years ago, he didn’t think it would lead to a situation where he was stripped of all dignity and splashed on bus stops all around Ireland.
Then there is the horror that is Ray Houghton’s Daily Star ad. Why does it take him so long to say he scored against England? We know you scored against England, Ray, just get on with it – “But . . . none of them . . . have put . . . the ball . . . in the back . . . of the English net”. It’s as though Shilton had been beaten by a header from Stephen Hawking.
After tonight, Benzema and Ribery will no doubt be selling their future columns in L'Equipe with painfully long anecdotes about sticking the ball past Joe Hart whilst Stewart Downing will be reduced to stripping to his pants to hawk copies of The Middlesbrough Gazette.
The five o’clock kick-off is tricky, asking your Irish boss if you can finish early to watch the England game is a bit like asking someone if you can borrow their car to repeatedly reverse over their pet dog.
Talking of animals and watching the match - If you are within a three hour journey of Sean Mac D’s in Dublin’s Harold’s Cross, I urge you to go and watch the match there tonight. They have a rooster and chickens in their beer garden who will, I kid you not, put on a live sex show the second the match finishes. And that was just last night, God knows what they will do if France win.
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