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If Premier League Managers Were...Priests In Father Ted

If Premier League Managers Were...Priests In Father Ted
By Gavin Cooney Updated

Following the moderate success of the Premier League managers as characters in The Simpsons post from a few weeks ago, we have decided upon a sequel: if Premier League Managers Were Priests in Father Ted.

We are basing these entirely on personality. Aside from maybe the last one.

Claudio Ranieri: Father Barty Dunne 

They have such a relentlessly joyous disposition. Both have simply laughed their way through competitions, be it the Premier League or the All Priests Stars in Their Eyes Lookalike Competition.

Mauricio Pochettino: Father Jose Fernandez 

Both men required translation upon their introduction to British and Irish audiences. Southamption fans will agree that Pochettino was a unforgettable visitor, not unlike Father Fernandez.

Arsene Wenger: Father Derek Beeching

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Father Beeching is the priest who responds to the milkfloat disaster by consistently wishing to say mass. Such an unflinching commitment to a process that does not work is not unlike Wenger's last decade at Arsenal.

Manuel Pelligrini: Father Paul Stone

Both are incredibly glum, phlegmatic men. As Manchester City have shown, they want Pelligrini around about as much as Ted wants to entertain Father Stone.

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Slaven Bilic: Father Billy O'Dwyer

Bilic is a huge music fan, and was once in a heavy metal band in Croatia called Rawbau. Father Billy O'Dwyer - aka the SpinMaster - is a kindrerd spirit.

Louis Van Gaal: Father Jack Hackett

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As he ages, Father Jack is increasingly prone to being irritable and spouting aggressive nonsense. As he ages, Van Gaal is increasingly prone to being irritable and spouting aggressive nonsense.

Ronald Koeman: Father Jessup

Koeman is the manager whose wry sense of humour is most similar to Father Jessup, aka the sarcastic priest. See this tweet after the Southampton exodus to Liverpool:

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Mark Hughes: Father Austin Purcell

Both are so bloody boring.

Jurgen Klopp: Father Noel Furlong

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Both personalities are strong, verging on overbearing. You would not want to be stuck in a confined space - a caravan or Very Dark Caves for example - with either of these men for too long.

Guus Hiddink: Father Niall Haverty

Both men are useful to call in an emergency and ultimately leave adequate tools for another man to do his job properly: Father Haverty gave Ted the remote-controlled wheelchair and fake hands that allowed him to coast to victory at the All Priests Over 75 Five A Side Football Championship.

Tony Pulis: Father 'Frosty' Frost

Despite how uncool and old-fashioned both men are, they know best.

Roberto Martinez: Father Liam Finnegan

Happy and vibrant, but you feel something bad is just about to happen. Both are excellent dancers:

Eddie Howe: Father Buzz Cagney

A slick and successful new arrival.

Quique Sanchez Flores: Father Damien 'Damo' Lennon

Both are quite cool young upstarts, paying little attention to traditional powers.

Francesco Guidolin: Father Romeo Sensini

Trust us, this comparison is based on more than simply Guidolin being Italian. Although that was the main one.

Alan Pardew: Father Todd Unctious 

There is something inherently suspect about how friendly both of these men are. Todd's bitterness about missing out on the Golden Cleric is not unlike Pardew's at Liverpool's penalty earlier this month.

Alex Neil: Father Cleary

Father Cleary was infamously injured by a bra strap having been trapped in the largest lingerie store in Europe, only to be rescued by the actions of Father Ted Crilly. At times this season, Neil has looked like he is involved with something he doesn't really understand, and if he is to avoid doom, it will be down to the activities of others.

Sam Allardyce: Father Fintan Stack

Of all the managers on this list likely to play jungle music at three o'clock in the morning, it's Big Sam.

Rafa Benitez: Father Gallagher

Father Gallagher earned the scorn of his fellow priests who responded to the fact that their plane was going to crash by suggesting everyone pray. Benitez has been similarly derided among colleagues for wishing to merely focus on the facts of his job.

Remi Garde: Father Larry Duff

Garde answered a call from Villa and has been enveloped by disaster and misfortune since. A phone-call that has ended in a catastrophe not unlike those suffered by poor Larry Duff.

 

While we are at it, here are a few old Premier League favourites to further populate the cast...

Alex Ferguson: Bishop Brennan

The boss. The overseer. The enforcer of discipline. Both had fractious relationships wth people owing to rumours about their sons.

Jose Mourinho: Father Dick Byrne

You don't like him, but you have to admit he is successful.

John Carver: Father Dougal Maguire

The results of Dougal doing a funeral and Carver coaching Newcastle are the same.

Tim Sherwood: Father Cyrill MacDuff

This just works.

Harry Redknapp: Father Liam Deliverance

Father Liam Deliverance is remembered for arriving into Ted's house, only to tear down the bookshelf and cause chaos before leaving. Redknapp left a similar trail of destruction at Portsmouth and Southampton.

David Moyes: Father Terry

Father Terry was another of the priests trapped in the lingerie section. He is the priest who was utterly overwhelmed by the place, frequently repeating 'the largest lingerie store in Europe' in disbelief. Moyes was similarly overwhelmed at Old Trafford.

Steve McClaren: Father Kevin

McClaren's career with England and Newcastle looks like it has been soundtracked by Radiohead.

...and finally...

Alan Irvine: Father Ted Crilly

It had to be.

Disagree? Let us know.

See Also: 7 Footballers Who Made Their National POTY Awards Utterly Pointless Due To Their Dominance


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