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Presenting The Balls Alternative Premier League Awards

Presenting The Balls Alternative Premier League Awards
By Gary Connaughton Updated

The nominees for the Premier League awards were announced today, with plenty of competition in the Player of the Year, Young Player of the Year, and Manager of the Year categories.

Of course, none of those actually matter.

The only thing you should concern yourself with is the Balls Alternative Premier League Awards, which celebrates the weird, wonderful, and downright stupid things we have seen over the 2019/20 campaign.

Congratulations to the all the winners.

Balls Alternative Premier League Awards

Greasiest arms - Adama Traore

As if Adama Traore wasn't difficult enough to stop, he has now taking to greasing up his arms to stop opposition defenders dragging out of him.

Straight out of the Groundskeeper Willy playbook.



Best calf muscles - Jack Grealish

There was only going to one winner here. He is helped endlessly by those infuriatingly tiny socks, but Grealish's calf muscles are a sight to behold.

The Miracle Worker Of The Season   - Francis Lampard Jnr.

Took Chelsea from third to fourth, conceded more goals than Brighton, lost two cup finals, kept one clean sheet away from home all season. Is there anything he can't do?

Least fond of opposition managers 'giving it the big un' -  Also Frank Lampard

Frank Lampard can't stand arrogance in the sport, especially when it coming from someone apart from himself.


Sure Jurgen Klopp is amongst the finest managers in world football, but he failed the only test that matters: the quest to earn Frank Lampard's respect.

Least shits given in post match interviews - Chris Wilder

Chris Wilder has been a breath of fresh air in the Premier League this season, especially when it comes to his no nonsense post-match interviews.

One of the best examples came after John Egan's first goal of the campaign, a late equaliser at Burnley. Most were delighted for the centre back but Wilder took the moment to remind Egan that he should have had ten goals by that point of the season.

Never change.


The Jack Rodwell 'I forgot he was still at that club' award - Nathaniel Clyne

Up until the end of June, Nathaniel Clyne was still a Liverpool player. We shit you not.

Of course, he was out for the whole campaign after getting injured during pre-season, but fair play to Liverpool for keeping his presence at Anfield under wraps for so long.

Best beard - David McGoldrick

No contest really.

Worst beard - Andy Carroll

Even less of a contest.

Most likely to be a secret super villain - Daniel Farke

We just don't trust him. No man cane be in charge of a team so shit, but remain so calm for the entire campaign. He was too soft spoken for our liking. Farke also has the head of a lad who would strap you to table and kill you with lasers.

While the rest of the players and coaches in the Premier League have gone on holidays since the end of the season, we assume Farke has returned to an island in a secret location in the Pacific Ocean, one that is most likely shaped like a skull.

What is his game? Is it world domination? Is he planning to blow up a global landmark? Is he attempting to create some sort of Teemu Pukki/Adam Idah hybrid? All will be revealed soon enough.

Watford manager of the year - Javi Gracia

Sure why not? They were all shite.

Best post lockdown hair - Jeff Hendrick

He was almost disqualified for not actually playing a game post lockdown, but those luscious locks were too difficult to ignore.

Best name of the season - Marvelous Nakamba

What he lacked in quality on the pitch, he made up for by having a savage name.

Managed to hold off some stiff competition from Brighton's Alireza Jahanbakhsh for the award

The most 'I can't believe that only happened this season' moment -  Jose Mourinho signs for Sky Sports

This happened during the 19/20 season?!

Since then Mourinho has been without a managerial job for a further three months, got the Spurs gig, and cycled through three phases of his patented self destruction.


Most appearances while going unnoticed that he was actually playing - Diego Rico (27)

What is a 'Diego Rico' and how did it make 27 appearances for Bournemouth in the Premier League this season? It's even more shocking when you learn that he was also there for the 18/19 campaign.

Unlucky to miss out was basically every Norwich City player.


Most worth a follow on social media - Allan Saint-Maximin

All hail king Allan Saint-Maximin. It took the Frenchman a while to get going on the pitch, and while he proven to be an excellent player for Newcastle, his social media game has been fire from day one.

Here's just a couple of examples of his best tweets.


Best response to misheard question in a press conference - Steve Bruce


Steve Bruce has bacon on the brain.

SEE ALSO: Brentford's Play-Off Heartbreak Presents Opportunity For Ronan Curtis

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