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Balls.ie Cast The Characters Of The Jim McGuinness Movie

Balls.ie Cast The Characters Of The Jim McGuinness Movie
By Gavin Cooney
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Yesterday brought the news that Kirsten Sheridan, daughter of film director Jim, was writing a script to adapt Jim McGuinness' autobiography to a feature film.

A number of you got in touch with your casting suggestions, so we feel duty bound to flesh out who we would imagine will be given a role in the Jim McGuinness movie.

The headline act

The main question: who will play McGuinness? We initially toyed with the idea of Northern Irish legend and friend to Alex Ferguson James Nesbitt, but we were subsequently concerned about the marketability of a film starring a series of A-listers with the main star's previous headline experience being short-lived UTV Ireland documentary James Nesbitt's Ireland.

McGuinness is a totemic figure in Gaelic football and Irish life, meaning the only Irishman capable of living up to this exalted image is one-time Abraham Lincoln Daniel Day-Lewis. In many ways Day-Lewis is an obvious choice: a renowned method actor, Day-Lewis has in fact been training and implementing a defensive system with an under-12 team in Donegal for years in the hope of being prepared should he get the call.

You may be surprised to hear this news: the fact that a three-time Oscar winner has been coaching GAA in Donegal has attracted very little media attention in Ireland, but this can be explained by virtue of the fact that Day-Lewis has expelled all media from around his club, something he claims he did as part of his methodical preparation to play McGuinness.

The counterpart 


Who to play the necessary counterpart to McGuinness, Rory Gallagher? Gallagher was jettisoned by McGuinness in 2012 only to succeed him in 2014, meaning that he could only be played by an actor who has tasted rejection, a period in the wilderness only to return to prominence: we're thinking Russell Crowe from his Gladiator experience. If it were to be based purely on look-a-like, Gallagher would be played by Freddie Prince Jr., but we are concerned Prince Jr. is not talented enough for such a vital role.

The supporting cast 


McGuinness marshalled a remarkable set of troops with Donegal, so Day-Lewis must lead an all-star ensemble. The McGee brothers will be played by a couple of Guy Ritchie's favourite enforcers, Vinnie Jones and Jason Statham (assuming they can put on a decent Donegal accent) while the dreamy Mark McHugh will be played by the dreamy Ryan Gosling, whose parents are Mormons, a community which is admittedly not a GAA stronghold.


For Michael Murphy we're plumping for Mark Ruffalo, and we're thinking Welsh actor Rhys Ifans for Colm McFadden.

The necessary narrative devices 

Two players who will play vital roles in the narrative arc of the film, despite the fact they are unlikely to have many lines, will be Kevin Cassidy and journalist Declan Bogue. For Cassidy we envisage Matthew Broderick reprising his rebellion phase of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, while intrepid reporter Declan Bogue will be played by Oscar Isaac.


The opponents whose threat and brutality are overinflated

2012 All-Ireland finalists Mayo will play the Iceland-in-Might-Ducks-2 role of brutish opponents whose role is to reflect the virtues of the protagonists. Their power and size will be hyper-inflated, so expect for Aidan O'Shea to be played by The Mountain from Game of Thrones, and don't be surprised to see a number of Dothraki squeezed into jerseys to provide some backdrop.

At this stage of casting, funds are understandably beginning to run low, so we've decided that James Horan will be played by James Horan, an American actor whose most notable credits include two appearances in Star Trek: Next Generation and a role in the first series of 24. 


Assorted interested observers 

In order to make this a successful film in the 21st Century, we've realised it must include Domhnall Gleeson, so we've decided to shoe-horn him under the guise of McGuinness' future employer Neil Lennon.

Jim Sheridan has a working relationship with 50 Cent having directed Get Rich or Die Tryin', meaning we expect Sheridan to call in a favour and cast 50 Cent as part of a double act with Joaquin Phoenix for the Jimmy's Winning Matches song.


See Also: 'Holy God The End Has Arrived' - Donegal Club Game Ends With Barely Believable Scoreline

See Also: A Donegal Legend Made An Emergency Return To The Pitch Last Night At The Age Of 50

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