'Jaysis Christ, the Midges would ate ye!' The last words of Dermot McDermott, footballer with Robert Eire Óg Slashers, before he was devoured by a swarm of insects during his team's junior B clash with Dr Dre's on Wendesday evening.
While Ireland basked in the beginnings of a possible heat wave, millions of midges took advantage of the good weather by striking down unsuspecting GAA players.
'When we took to the field for the warm-up you could barely see two foot in front of yourself with the bastards,' explained team manager Gerry John Gerard. 'They were in our mouths, our ears, they were biting us everywhere.'
However, John Gerard was not without blame himself, according to team captain Brian Byrne. 'If the prick hadn't kept us in the team huddle so long then Dermot might still be with us,' said Byrne.
We were standing there listening to him talk shite and the little fuckers were annoying the shite out of us. You could see lads trying to swat them away. Our legs and arms were pure destroyed.
Dermot was a well-known sufferer from sweet blood, which as we all know, is like honey to a bee for midges. So the poor hoor never stood a chance. Within minutes he had actually scratched himself into oblivion.
Brace yourself... For 21 billion midges https://t.co/Le2nQNZoYT pic.twitter.com/qx01K9u6Ft
— The Press & Journal (@pressjournal) May 8, 2017
Summers all fun and games until all them midget flies come out and bite you
— kb🌷 (@kellybyrnexx) May 7, 2017
The terrified crowd fled for their lives. Thousands of midges met their maker on the bonnets and windscreens of fleeing supporters but by that stage they had already left their mark. Everyone in attendance was injured, with doctors saying it could take a week for the red blotches and itchiness to subside.
With the weather for the next few days, sadly, looking like it will be sunnier than ever, people are now calling for GAA training to be canceled. 'Please God we'll see a bit of rain,' said John Gerard. 'Drown the hoors out of it.'
In the meantime players are advised to wear full body length under armour and managers are asked to keep all huddles to a maximum of 30 seconds.
