Tennis

10 Things That Will Definitely Happen If An Irish Person Ever Wins Wimbledon

10 Things That Will Definitely Happen If An Irish Person Ever Wins Wimbledon

The late 19th century were the glory days for Irish tennis. Joshua Pim, Lena Rice, Harold Mahony, these guys need no introduction.

And while none of these people were in the GPO in 1916, they did nonetheless win Wimbledon under the Irish flag. Which in those days greatly resembled the British flag.

Those who followed Conor Niland in that dramatic first round match with Adrian Mannarino in 2011 caught a flavour of what it would be like if the Irish flourished at Wimbledon.

If an Irishman or woman does the impossible then here's how it'll go down.

1. There would be a big controversy over him or her saluting/curtsying before the Royal Box

In the wake of the salute, a hardcore Republican on twitter will announce that he's 'not supporting that West Brit. I hope the Czech lad wins now'.

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2. The Speech - 'It's been 119 long years...' 

When Sue Barker thrusts forward with the microphone, non-tennis loving Irish nationalists will be hoping the man or women of the hour grabs the microphone off her and begins with an earnest salvo 'It's been 119 long years since the Wimbledon championships came back to Ireland (referencing Harold Mahony's Wimbledon victory of 1896) .... we'll have some night tonight'.

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 3. Ewan McKenna will write an article suggesting that, if we're being honest with ourselves, the competition was poor this year

Not taking anything away, but tennis is entering a dip. Federer is virtually finished as a regular contender and the cracks are starting to appear in Nadal's game. We saw what happened to Djokovic last month.

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4. Fintan O'Toole will write an article saying that an Irishman or woman winning Wimbledon will represent a further reconciliation between Britain and Ireland

For an Irishman to triumph in one of the most quintessentially English of sports is a sign of our increasing maturity as a nation.

5. The Irish winner of Wimbledon will quickly become a close personal friend of Niall Horan of One Direction

They'll play charity doubles matches together. It'll be great craic.

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6. Some newspaper in a fur flung part of the world called the United Kingdom will claim that man or women in question is the second Brit to win Wimbledon this century

Cue outrage.

If it's not the United Kingdom, it'll be elsewhere. It'll be the New York Times. It'll be Chris Brown congratulating Brits in a tweet. The one certainty is it will happen.

7. Henman Hill or Murray Mount will be infested with tricolours

Conor Niland has retired now. But 'Niland Nook' could have been a thing.

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9. An anxious debate about bandwagoning will commence

Some will claim that they were tennis fans when it wasn't fashionable. Others will justifiably allege that these people are talking out of their hole.

9. Others will wonder aloud why the League of Ireland is still being ignored

We've a Wimbledon winner now. But people still aren't going to League of Ireland games.

10. Tennis courts will be booked out for the next eighteen months

For the last sixteen of these months, those who have reserved the court will forget to show. Those who want to play will not be allowed on court because, technically, the court remains reserved for someone else.

An Irishman winning Wimbledon has the potential to kill tennis in this country.

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Read more: 10 Things Everybody Who Has Played Pitch And Putt Knows To Be True

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Conor Neville
Article written by
Perennial finalist in stand-up comedy competitions and former Contract Lawyer/ Coal Salesman with Corless, Corless and Sweeney

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